Shmoke and a Pancake? Blintz and a Blunt?

Then there is no PLEEAASING you.

Dated Austin Powers references aside (2004's "Goldmember" WAS one of the funniest of that franchise), I come to enlighten and amaze you with opinions aplenty.

You may notice a disjointed smattering of seemingly random thoughts and patterns in this space lately, and less frequent updating.

I blame everyone/thing except myself.

But seriously, this entry is going to be like whatever type of artist just throws a bunch of crap at the canvas and lets it all fly. Is that an expressionist? A minimalist? Whatever.

Let us start in the merry land of sport.

FOOTBALL

Well, the most recent news is that as of this past Monday, the 8th Circuit Court of Appeals reversed the ruling of U.S. District Court (Minnesota) Judge Susan Richard Nelson, who was of the opinion that the lockout should be lifted and league/player negotiations should immediately resume.

The three-judge panel at the appellate level ruled 2-1 in favor of a stay of Judge Nelson's decision, meaning that until the appeals court has further considered and finally ruled on the matter, the lockout is back in place (for now).

In the Monday Morning Quarterback column on si.com, Peter King - who has been covering the NFL for about 30 years now and was around for both of the league's work stoppages in the 1980s - reports that considering talks with others and his own view of the current situation, it's likely that if a deal isn't reached soon the season might not begin until as late as November.

I know we're all sick of the labor aspect of this story and we just want football to proceed on a normal schedule again, but what's at stake here is critical for the future of the league as well as the players. There's talk that the players are pushing for the elimination of the draft, and the possibility that all transactions would be facilitated through either a free-agent signing or team trade basis. In that scenario, each franchise would be worth its own weight in gold, without a collective bargaining agreement or revenue sharing of any kind. It would almost be like how the Yankees have a kajillion dollars, but the Kansas City Royals are expected to be able to compete with teams like N.Y. and Boston with limited funds, resources and difficulty attracting big-time talent or blue chip players.

Could you imagine it? The Dallas Cowboys and Pittsburgh Steelers type franchises would rule the sport, and teams like Cincinnati, Carolina and the like would struggle mightily. Parity would virtually vanish. We'd be back to the late 80s/early 90s era, when Dallas, San Fran, the N.Y. Giants and a few others reigned supreme and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers didn't have a prayer. Not sure this would necessarily be a good thing.

It should be interesting to see how the legality of this could play out. The NFL currently offers such a high-quality, sought-after product, but the future direction of the league's landscape could very well be primarily determined by lawyers in power suits and a couple of very powerful Appellate Court Judges. Here's to hoping the two sides can reach a semi-amiable agreement through mediation, but it hasn't looked so great thus far.

BASKETBALL

What can I say? I love the NBA. (Wow, they should use that as a marketing slogan!)

The Los Angeles Lakers and San Antonio Spurs have been eliminated from the postseason, and the Final Four is down to Chicago vs. Miami for the Eastern Conference crown, and Dallas vs. Oklahoma City for the Western Conference title. I'm just glad there will be a new champion, and like most, I hope it isn't Miami. I'd be fine with any of the other three teams bringing home the hardware.

First off, I was one of the few who thought LeBron should have the right to go play wherever he wants after the infamous 'decision.' And I still believe that (even though I, like most, hated HOW he announced it to the world). But I also believe, having watched this Heat team all season, that there isn't anything about them that gets me to want to root for them. It's a calculated, assembly-line, built-for-a-championship team that seems devoid of chemistry or likability, and the same goes for their slick-haired, glitz-and-glamour head coach/Team Prez combo of Erik Spoelstra and Pat Riley. There's nobody who appears as though he's genuinely enjoying his experience out there. Okay, maintain a tough facade, that's fine. But have a few human moments every now and then as well. They're so cold and calculating. I have a feeling the only happy emotions we would see from any of them would come only moments after winning a title, at which point most would have already long decided they wouldn't want to see those moments of joy in the first place.

You know, if LeBron had joined the Bulls, alone, and casually dropped it into a press conference unexpectedly that he was leaving Cleveland, without all the hype and fanfare, I think I would have a much different outlook on the situation. But the body of evidence for what's happened makes things clear. He made a big deal out of being part of a new 'Big 3' in Miami, replete with tons of media attention and the most overdone, ridiculous welcome party for a trio of players with only one championship ring amongst them that has ever been produced (youtube it, you'll see what I mean).

He's still a tremendous talent, with his physical gifts, his power, his speed, and his ability to drop 3-pointers from a standing position seemingly without effort. But he's not a killer (ala Jordan, Kobe), and he doesn't long to take over in big moments. It's Dwayne Wade's team, and we all know it. But Chicago gave the Heat quite a convincing beatdown in Game 1. We'll see what happens tomorrow night in Game 2, but I can easily say I'm rooting for the Bulls. Now that's truly a 'team basketball' type of squad. Derek Rose is clearly the man who makes them go, but their role players know their place, and have no problems with that.

As for the Dallas-OKC series, the Mavs are going to be one tough out. This might finally be their year to get a ring, having come so painfully close in 2006 before allowing a 3-1 series lead to implode into a 4-3 Finals loss at the hands of Miami. They've got a great starting five, a deep bench, and excellent coaching/management. The Thunder are a great story, but if they have enough left in the tank to take out this Dallas team (which swept the Lakers) - especially after OKC fought tooth-and-nail to beat Memphis in seven games in the WC Semifinals - I'll be amazed.

I think we're headed for Dallas vs. Chicago in the finals. At least I hope. If not, it will most likely be Dalls vs. Miami - in which case, I'll certainly be rooting for Mark Cuban, Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd and company.

BASEBALL

I'm not used to rooting for a team that's a favorite (unless it comes to high school football - Go SCA!).

So when it comes to the 2011 Philadelphia Phillies, I'm still a bit gun-shy. Sure they've got R2C2 on the mound, one of the best starting rotations in the majors this year (if not the best) with Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels. But it's becoming increasingly clear that they've got little else on which to hang their funky, P-shaped, embroidered caps after 9 up, 9 down.

The offense has been quite anemic with Chase Utley out of the lineup (injury) and Jayson Werth having departed in the offseason. Ryan Howard continues to be all-or-nothing at the plate (don't expect that to change anytime soon). And defensively they're adequate, but not the best in the bigs or anything.

Middle relief and bullpen can use some work, but those areas are far from the worst that the Phightins' have seen.

As we all know, it's a brutally long season, and we're just over halfway through May. So yes, a ton can happen, both good and bad. I just caution anyone who's overly optimistic about this Phillies team to temper that enthusiasm with a healthy dose of reality every now and then. The offense needs to find its rhythm and start clicking. Still, I do recognize it's hard to complain with a division lead and a 10-games-over-.500 winning percentage.

MOVIES

Haven't seen a whole ton lately, but don't miss Bridesmaids. If you've been led to believe it's a chick-flick, stay clear of that propaganda, homey.

It's Judd Apatow and Paul Feig at their finest - raunchy at times, heartfelt at others, but genuine and ultimately, hilarious. Oh and you'll be re-introduced to Wilson Phillips, but in a good way (I promise).

There's actually a bunch of summer flicks I've highlighted that I want to check out over the next couple of months, but in El Presidente's usual style, none of the 'big blockbusters.'

Will keep you posted. You bring in the noise, I'll bring in da funk.

TV

There's always good shit on TV, no surprise. Mad Men has been pushed back to 2012, and we'll also need to wait until then for Season 3 of the brilliant Eastbound & Down.

But we do have Breaking Bad making its return to AMC, likely in July. Season 4 promises to keep raising the bar and upping the ante, but I'm not sure how much better this show can get.

SPOILER ALERT

Will Walt's power play (having Jessie kill Gabe) come back to bite him, or will it guarantee his safety, at least in the immediate future, while earning him respect in the eyes of Gus (aka 'Pollos') for his steel cojones? Will Jessie really need to skip the country now because of his infraction with Gabe, leaving Walt by himself and breaking up everyone's favorite two-man Meth-cook crew? Will Hank ever put two and two together, and what in God's name will happen when/if he does? Will Walt and Skylar get back together? Tons of questions.

Michael Scott is done on The Office, and I was glad they didn't beat us over the head with his departure. It was more understated, and we've already seen that the show will be just fine without him. They've totally mis-used Will Ferrell (bad job by them), but you can't win 'em all.

30 Rock was decent as usual, but it's on summer hiatus, and I have to say Parks & Recreation is killing it. It's improved in leaps and bounds. They've hit on a winning formula, great cast too. Don't eff it up, peeps.

Season 2 of 'Treme' began on HBO a few weeks back, and it's consistently excellent, as it was last season. David Simon and his crew are just spot-on at capturing the local flavor of a given locale when they shoot there, which is the essence of his work at its finest. Post-Hurrican Katrina New Orleans comes to life like nowhere else in this brilliant one-hour show. It's not packed with high drama every second and replete with shootouts galore, but if you can invest intellectually what the show demands to be enjoyed to its fullest, you won't be let down - trust me.

Finally, going into the back catalog of some shit I never seen before, but am glad I'm seeing it now, I present to you the addictive, powerful HBO prison drama 'Oz,' which aired from 1997-2003. This show is INSANE, but in a really good way. In some ways, I want to put it up there with 'The Wire' or 'Breaking Bad' or other similarly fantastic crime-oriented dramas, but some of the hokey, far-from-realistic plot twists and playing out of events hold it back from being among the 2-3 best shows ever of its genre. Not to mention that it's emotionally exhausting to watch (not happy times!). Overall, it is by all accounts though, a fairly accurate portrayal of prison life, except that they pack all the action into each episode rather than fully focusing on all the boring down-time that inundates REAL prison life. A former roommate and current friend of mine who works in corrections used to watch it when it aired back in the late 90s/early 2000s, and I often found him shaking his head in knowing disgust at many of the unpleasant but all too real atrocities the show portrays.

What keeps you coming back for more despite some of the suspension-of-disbelief type shit going on? The characters/casting is unreal. Just great. And the writing/dialogue is pretty damn good. I can overlook some of the more dis-believable aspects of the show because of this. Just finished Season 4 on HBO's nightly reruns, only two seasons and 16 episodes left. Grade A stuff. But if as many people die in real prison every day as they do in a typical epsiode of Oz, we definitely wouldn't have the prison overcrowding problem that we do.

MUSIC

Finally, a quick nod to a great experience that was Jazzfest 2011 in New Orleans a couple weeks ago. The wife and I jetted down and stayed with a friend and his family, and hit up Jazzfest on Saturday 5/7 to eat some amazing local cuisine and check out some banging sounds. The highlights? Trombone Shorty absolutely murdered the Gentilly Stage. I felt bad for The Strokes having to follow that shit up as the headliner, but the Garage Rock Kings from NYC represented well in their own way. At the end of the day, Trombone is a local NOLA musical legend, but the show he put on that day would slay anywhere on the globe. Truly amazing.

I've gotta thank my buddy The Danimal for putting us up and showing us a great time down there. Living in the Big Easy is unlike living anywhere else. And sadly, Strawberry Abita beer is going out of season, but I was lucky enough to enjoy it down there.

Viva la Jazzfest.