Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Catch a Tiger by his Toe, If he hollers … divorce him and take half


Alright, the Tiger Woods drama is practically old news by now, and I’ve thought about it from almost every possible angle. But I just can’t seem to come to any singular idea or thought pattern that sums it all up.

If I was forced to try at gunpoint, I’d probably take a page out of Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five’s songbook from 1982, and remind us that ‘It’s all about money ain’t a damn thing funny – got to have a car in this land of milk and honey.’




Okay, so maybe we all don’t HAVE to own an automobile, but Melle Mel’s point is well taken, is it not?  It’s difficult for me to see the relationship between Tiger and his wife, former nanny/model Elin Nordegren, as anything other than one primarily rooted in dollars and cents.

At this point, most of us are aware of all the prenuptial agreement talk between these two. There’s more horse-trading going on here than at the Kentucky Derby. Or … she can just divorce him NOW for cheating and take half of his approximately $1 billion fortune. Why she isn’t speed-dialing divorce attorneys in the greater Orlando area as we speak is beyond me.

Look, what exactly does it say about this relationship that Tiger doesn’t even consistently bring his wife and children with him whenever he goes on tour? No, instead he FLIES IN women that he’s cheating with, as he did while playing in a tournament in Australia (allegedly … hey I’m not the moral police, it’s okay) while his wife and kids just chill out by the pool in central Florida or hang out at Disney World.

Yeah, it’s a little hard for me to believe that either Tiger or his wife loves the other more than the idea of having, now and in the future, gobs and buckets of money and financial comfort. But maybe I’m just a cynic, who the hell knows.

Seems like a marriage of convenience, so that Tiger can appear as a decent family man. You know, so that that all the oodles of people out there purchasing Woods-endorsed products feel okay about it. They’re buying from a family man! See that!? He’s not just a withdrawn loner who hooks up with ladies left and right and then moves on to the next one. He’s a MARRIED withdrawn loner who hooks up with ladies left and right and then moves on to the next one.

But do not fear, Tiger supporters/haters. Even if his wife leaves him and gets half, I don’t think either one of them needs to worry about how they’re getting their next meal. And to anybody who’s actually surprised that he cheated? Please. We have no idea what any of these people do when we’re not seeing them behave like choir boys in front of the camera. If he was so madly in love to begin with, the desire and opportunity to cheat wouldn’t have been there in the first place.



Jersey SHOOOOORRREEEE

Reality TV has hit an all-time new low. Jersey Shore, which premiered on MTV last week, makes recent seasons of The Real World look like Father Knows Best.

In The Real World, a hot-tub/threesome kissing/naked scene was usually the highlight of the season. In this show, it’s a goddamn appetizer.

An Italian-American group protested the show’s airing. What’s the premise of Jersey Shore, you ask? Well this will be tough to explain. It’s about a bunch of young men and women hanging out at the Jersey Shore, drinking, yelling at each other, hooking up every 5 minutes, and that’s about it.

I love MTV’s defense of this sloppy drunkfest of fake-looking chiseled meatheads and girls that never stop complaining in their annoyingly overdone Joi-sey accents. Rites of passage? How they self-identify?! I’m thinking most of these troglodytes have already experienced just about every rite of ‘passage’ years ago. Self-identity? It’s clear they are mere caricatures, whether intentional or not, and are hamming up their real personalities times 10 for the cameras because that’s the whole freaking point of this joke of a show.

Is it still entertaining? On many levels, yes. But for the wrong reasons. It’s for the same reason that we all rubberneck while passing a bad car accident, or maybe stare a little too long at someone with a harelip or an unfortunately-placed mole.




DRRREEEWWWW! Okay, now that that's out of the way.

But seriously, if shows like Jersey Shore continue to air, and newer incarnations continue to manifest themselves and attempt to top each other at every turn, we’ll soon be left with a world closely resembling that portrayed in Mike Judge’s hilarious 2006 farce Idiocracy. Unfortunately, this would be no laughing matter, but most of us would be too stupid to even know it.



Good Flick, Hard to Watch

Saw an excellent movie Friday night, one that’s been garnering some early Oscar buzz.

It’s called ‘Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.’ It’s the dreary, depressing tale of an overweight, pregnant (with her second child, no less) African American teenager in 1987 Harlem dealing with an abusive family and a seeming sense of hopelessness in terms of her ability to create a positive life for herself.

Yeah – sounds like a great evening at the old theater, right? But don’t get it twisted – it’s powerful stuff. And if you want to see something that might make you use your brain, or if you’re sick of staring at masturbatory CGI or white-hot explosives for the umpteenth time, see this movie. Mon’ique, playing the young girl’s mom, is menacingly terrific as the mother who makes your own look like Mrs. Brady, no matter how bad you think your old lady can be.

The performances are great, because there’s a subtlety to the struggle that you witness. You’re watching a set of folks who are probably one hair away from being out on the street, but they don’t act all ‘woe-is-me’ every waking second. They don’t have the energy for that. It’s just ‘keep plugging along.’ Specifically, Mariah Carey is quietly sublime as the haggard, worn-out yet compassionate social worker who attempts to help Precious get back on track (she’s one of two central female characters that help challenge this emotionally drained young woman to attempt to overcome her obstacles). It’s also more than a little bit ironic to see Carey playing a social worker in AIDS/drugs-ravaged New York City in the 80s, when you consider what she’s worth in real life as on one of the more recognizable pop/R&B artists of her generation. But she, and pretty much all the cast members, knock it out of the park.

See the movie – but if you’re in the mood for something upbeat, take a pass.