Back up in your ass with the Resurrection!

Okay, by all accounts, the recent inactivity is unacceptable, and that’s being kind. To be fair, I WAS abducted by aliens. I don’t want to talk about it, but know this – if you’re hanging out by yourself in the middle of an empty field and you see a bright white light illuminating the night sky, rising like a Phoenix (perhaps from Arizona), do NOT stare directly into said light and do nothing. Do just about anything else. Run, cover your eyes, scream, yell, attempt calisthenics … but please, I beg of you, do NOT just stare into the light.

Now, with that out of the way, let us turn to Division I-A college football – and as we stand at the end of this post-Thanksgiving weekend, many of the kinks of the 2009 season are starting to iron themselves out, much like a halfway acceptable dress shirt.

It’s all shaping up folks. Florida, Alabama and Texas are still Numbers 1-3, but one of those first two schools will obviously lose in Saturday’s SEC Championship Game. Texas will be the heavy favorite against a 3-loss Nebraska team in the Big 12 Title contest the same day, but I’m honestly rooting against the Longhorns at this point, just so we can see a first-hand test of how the BCS system would respond to such tomfoolery and unexpectedness.

Let’s suppose for a second that Texas loses to Nebraska, and either Florida or Alabama are left standing as the lone unbeaten Top 3 team. Would TCU, unbeaten and ranked fourth in the BCS Standings but hailing from a significantly weaker Mountain West Conference, sneak into the national championship game to face either Florida or ‘Bama, or would Texas be rewarded with a berth in the championship tilt right after having lost to a mediocre Cornhuskers team?

I think I know the answer, and if what happened last year is any indication, then we’ll be seeing UT vs. either Florida or Alabama no matter what happens. In 2008, Oklahoma lost in the Big 12 title matchup but turned around and found itself in the championship game against Florida. Meanwhile, Texas found itself on the outside looking in, despite having lost only to a highly-ranked and well-regarded Texas Tech team midway through the regular season.

This year should be different, and here’s why: it’s not just because TCU is unbeaten, fourth in the BCS Standings, and should go to the big game if two of the top 3 teams lose (although that would certainly be reason enough). Beyond that, it’s because of the utter and complete domination that the Horned Frogs have shown this year against their opponents. We can all agree that they play in the weakest conference amongst all BCS-bound teams, yes? So what must a team that is automatically penalized by a soft schedule do to compensate? Beat all of its opponents by a wide, convincing margin. And that’s pretty much just what the Horned Frogs have done.

Only two of TCU’s victories were by a less-than-a-touchdown margin – a 14-10 triumph over Clemson (which lives in the SEC, the pound-for-pound toughest conference in college football), and a 20-17 win against Air Force, traditionally one of the more feisty non-major conference independents.

Overall, the Horned Frogs’ average margin of victory in compiling their impressive 12-0 regular-season campaign in 2009 is 40.67 – 12.42. Don’t forget, that huge disparity includes the aforementioned 3-point and 4-point games to skew it down from what it otherwise would be. And it’s not as though all of TCU’s victims were unranked. Both BYU and Utah were at No. 16 when each of those teams were crushed by the Horned Frogs by respective scores of 38-7 and 55-28.

So the long and the short of it is: you couldn’t possibly or realistically ask TCU to do much more in terms of taking care of its own business within the context of advancing to a championship game. If Texas wins, then it’s just too bad for TCU. Then we’d have two unbeatens from major conferences (even though the Big 12 was considerably down this year – but that’s a whole other argument). But if Nebraska somehow upends the Longhorns and TCU doesn’t get the nod, the BCS will be looking like this.

Oh and let’s not pretend that strong teams from lesser conferences aren’t capable of beating up on teams from superior conferences. Look no further than Utah’s 31-17 win over No. 4 Alabama in the 2009 All-State Sugar Bowl. And for anyone who watched at the time, the game wasn’t nearly as close as the score would suggest.

As for the way the other BCS bowls are likely to shape up this year, the Rose Bowl will pit Big 10 champion Ohio State against the PAC 10 winner (either Oregon or Oregon State – they play each other Thursday night to determine the conference champion and that will be a ‘dandy,’ as Keith Jackson would say). UT will most likely win the Big 12 and Florida will probably beat Alabama (just for the sake of matchup predictions), which would put the Longhorns against the Gators for the ultimate trophy. ‘Bama vs. TCU would be a nice consolation prize for the Horned Frogs, and still a tough matchup for the SEC runner-up (hey if Alabama wins Saturday and goes on to face Texas, who wouldn’t love to see Florida play TCU come January 2010? Between Tebow’s clean-cut love for God and the TCU program all in the same place, that would be a religious experience like no other!)

That would basically leave the Big East champion (either Pittsburgh or Cincinnati, depending on what happens between these two squads Saturday afternoon) to take on an at-large BCS team (Boise State or Iowa maybe), while ACC winner Georgia Tech or Clemson (those two schools play for that conference title Saturday night) would face another at-large BCS team (again, possibly BSU or Iowa).

Happy Bowling – hope it works out controversy free (but I doubt it).

NFL, College Football and Other Stuff in Between

Updating this space is getting to be as about as rare for me as winning games is for the Cleveland Browns, or getting onto the field for more than 2 plays at a time for Michael Vick.
But since we’re all here now, it would be downright ludicrous not to chew into some football delicacies (notice how I like to equate lots of things with food?). I’ve been skipping out on the NFL stuff for the past few weeks, so rather than the game recaps, I’m just going to give out some thoughts on the teams that I think may have a fighting chance come playoff time, as well as go into the college scene for a little bit, and of course some other not-sports stuff.

NFC
New Orleans and Minnesota. Okay, anyone who’s paying any attention knows the Saints and Vikings basically own the conference right now. What’s great about that is the fact that one of these teams (N.O.) has never been to a Super Bowl, and the other one hasn’t been anywhere near one since 1998 (Vikings losing a heartbreaker in the NFC Title game to the Atlanta Falcons). These teams are very much alike also – both play in domes, both have tons of offensive weaponry and top-notch QBs with rocket arms and decent running games as a complement, and both have adequate, but not fantastic, defensive skills. The prospect of a Saints-Vikes NFC Championship game is exciting. Weather certainly wouldn’t be a factor, regardless of who would have home-field advantage. The scoreboard would need to be on some serious steroids because of all the points likely to be put up. I hope it plays out this way too. The Cardinals were a nice surprise last year but I don’t see them doing anything long term this season, and the Eagles-Giants-Cowboys just don’t feel like they have the juice to make a legitimate Super Bowl run. But hear me now – don’t sleep on the Atlanta Falcons. There they sit at 5-3 (ANOTHER dome team, too) with everyone just assuming they won’t be anywhere in the picture when it counts. So often, those are the teams you have to worry about the most. Just ask New Orleans – Atlanta probably came closer than anyone else has to beating them this year (Nov. 2nd Monday night game that the Saints barely won 35-27).

AFC
The Indianapolis Colts seem to be the consensus pick here to make a real run at winning the whole enchilada. Peyton Manning appears to be doing everything for this organization, including playing QB, coaching, managing other players, shooting commercials, overseeing charities, watching endless amounts of game film, and probably mopping the floors too when nobody’s looking (okay, so maybe not that last one). He’s here to work this year, no diggity. The Patriots, at 6-2 and slowly gaining momentum, are almost certainly going to win the AFC East, and it would be highly improbable for some team other than Denver (also 6-2) to win the increasingly mediocre AFC West. But look to the North, friends, and the picture is a bit more fuzzy (fuzzier? Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear?) Cincinnati and Pittsburgh are both 6-2, at least as of this writing, but in just a few short hours, one of them will be 7-2 and the other will be 6-3 as they square off this afternoon at Heinz Field. Some crunching bones and droplets of blood are likely to be seen in this one – going to be an all-out war. This might be the best division race this season, other than the NFC East. Stay tuned. I had my doubts about the defending champs for awhile, but it’s looking more each week like we might see the Steelers back in the AFC Title game. Steelers-Colts or Steelers-Pats sounds right to me.

College Football
So the Big 3 – meaning Florida, Alabama and Texas – are still unbeaten after yesterday’s games, and of those three, only Florida even came close to losing. They had to hang on for a tight 24-14 victory over South Carolina and former longtime Gators coach Steve Spurrier. And then there’s TCU, sitting at No. 4 in the BCS Standings. Unfortunately, the Horned Frogs will probably be on the outside looking in as for the national title game, no matter what happens. Florida and ‘Bama are set to meet on Dec. 5 in the SEC Championship game, no matter what happens (even if either or both lose between now and then). Texas has an easy road left also, although some will say that Texas A&M game will be a rough one, no matter how mediocre the Aggies appear to be this year. But let’s not kid ourselves – major hiccups aside, two of the Big 3 will be left standing undefeated. Now, let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that all of the Big 3 have a loss somewhere along the way before Bowl Season, and TCU is still undefeated. By the way, the Horned Frogs pasted No. 16 Utah last night 55-28, and led 38-14 at halftime (that’s called ‘taking care of business’). But have no doubt about it - under the current setup, TCU will not play for a championship. It just won’t happen. Administrators, the NCAA, ratings people at the BCS TV networks, etc., would rather see two one-loss teams with the matchup potential of Florida-Texas or ‘Bama-Texas as opposed to Florida-TCU, or Texas-Cincinnati. It’s just a little difficult for me to get past the inherent flaw of the fact that only a handful of about 10-12 rotating big-time programs have any sort of realistic shot at playing for the ultimate prize each year. What are the other teams in it for? Oh hey guys, you can’t ever be national champions, no matter how many points you score or huge margins-of-victory you post in going undefeated, but you CAN go to some lesser bowl game and be left to wonder forever if you were good enough to be the best team in the country. Now get out there and show ‘em you mean business!
Rant aside, a couple other notable events from yesterday’s action include Ohio State’s thrilling 27-24 overtime win against Iowa, giving the Buckeyes the Big Ten title and an automatic berth in the Rose Bowl. Also, the Pitt Panthers are 9-1 for the first time since 1982 (Dan Marino’s senior season) and ranked in the Top 10 in the latest AP Poll. They’ll square off with Cincinnati in the Big East title game on Dec. 5th. Oh and, this is a Dave Wannstedt coached team, let’s not forget that. I don’t understand it either. But I do like it. I’ve always enjoyed Pitt. They’re like the kid brother of the two major Division I college football programs in the state of Pennsylvania (to Penn State of course), and being someone who has long followed high school football in the Keystone State, I’ve been waiting for quite some time to see the program that has scooped up most of the major homegrown talent finally begin to rise to national prominence. Good times. I’ll be rooting for the Panthers on Dec. 5. If they can win out, they’ll definitely get themselves into a nice January Bowl game.

Them Crooked Vultures
I gave a brief mention about this band in my last entry. It’s a super-group of sorts featuring Foo Fighters frontman and ex-Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl (on drums), Queens of the Stone Age singer/songwriter/guitarist Josh Homme (guitar/vocals), and of course the one-and-only Led Zeppelin bassist/keyboardist/composer/arranger/everything else man John Paul Jones (playing bass). I listened to probably 85-90 percent of their debut album, due out this Tuesday (Nov. 17th) on youtube last night, and it’s quite notably good. Of all the bands from which TCV originates, they probably sound most similar to Queens of the Stone Age, if I was forced to pick just one. But there’s just enough variance in their sound that it doesn’t come off as too derivative. The grooves are wicked, Homme’s smooth vocals are a nice complement to the rhythmic, driving, heavy guitar sound (classic Zeppelin at times), and Dave Grohl has just got to be one of the most talented drummers of his generation. It was funny to me also to see a lot of the youtube comments hailing this as the second coming of rock savior-dom. We have officially reached a sad state of modern music when one above-average album receives the kind of recognition and hype that this one is getting so far. Don’t get it twisted, this is an epic, fantastic band. But 17 years ago, this album would have been one of many really good albums constantly being released. I’m happy it’s here, but depressed for the overall state of rock, hip hop and many other beloved forms of music in our current time. Nevertheless, cop this one if you’re a fan of any (or all) of those 3 bands (QOTSA, Foos, Zeppelin). I love all of them, which is why it’s not surprising that I thoroughly enjoy TCV.

Fake Onion-Style News Short
This is a piece I’ve been wanting to put down for quite some time. It’s pretty self explanatory. Let ‘er rip.

Headline: Despite Flagging Economy and Anemic Job Market, Employed People Becoming Increasingly Bitter

ASSOCIATED PRESS – Despite statistical evidence that bears out a disturbing trend in increasing joblessness and an economy that is taking longer than expected to turn around, many of those who are fortunate enough to have jobs, both of the white and blue collar variety, are tired of working so hard, and even more frustrated at being told that they should be thankful for the jobs that they have.
“That’s a bunch of bullshit,” said project manager John McElwain, smoking a cigarette outside of his Fifth Avenue financial office job earlier this week in New York City. “Do you have any idea how much it costs to live well in this goddamned city? I work more hours now than I ever have because my company is too fucking cheap to hire more people, thanks to this awful economy, but I’m not getting any more money for it. In fact, I’ll be lucky to see a bonus this year.”
“Merry Fucking Christmas,” he intoned, while crushing out his cigarette and blowing a plume of angry smoke into the air before returning to his occupational hell.
“You know, I understand, I’m lucky to be working, I get it,” said MaryAnn Jenkins, a 38-year-old hairdresser in Mobile, Alabama. “But sometimes, you know, I wish I could just quit my job, go home and sit around on the couch for awhile, and collect unemployment until I get things figured out. I mean, you know. Work is fine, but what the hell? It’s the same thing day after day. People who don’t have jobs right now have no idea how lucky they are.”
Quincy Johns, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Columbia University and former marketing major in college, weighed in as to why there are so many people who don’t feel so ‘lucky’ to be working.
“What we have is an increasing sense of frustration amongst the individuals who are gainfully employed right now,” Johns said. “This is indicative of the fact that there are millions of working Americans out there right now who simply don’t have the jobs that they really want. Unfortunately, we can’t all be professional athletes, or Perez Hilton, or self-made entrepreneurs.”
When asked what people with jobs can do to overcome this sense of unhappiness, Johns said that they can “stop being whiny little bitches and just go to work and continue to earn a paycheck like everybody else.”
Dominic Arenzio, a pizza restauranteur in Charlotte, N.C., is one of the few who is thrilled to have his job during this currently depressing economic climate.
“Hey, people like pizza no matter if they have a job or not,” he said with a laugh. “You want a slice? That’ll be $4.50. Hey – don’t look at me like that. Tough times right now, gotta do what I gotta do.”

Everything Under the Sun

Okay, not quite, but I’ve got a variety of goodies, despite the fact that Halloween is now well behind us. You know what else is well behind us? The 2009 World Series. No escaping the fact that my team (yes, I DO own them, thank you!) lost. My ideas on that, and a cornucopia, a veritable cascade of other thoughts, await you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is total improv-style. We’re going to be on the ‘Whose Line is it Anyway’ tip here. Don’t ask me for further explanation, as I will not be able to offer such.

• I was one of the skeptic blowhards talking about how the Phillies didn’t have what it takes to repeat this year, dating all the way back to the beginning of the 2009 postseason and the Colorado Rockies NLDS Series, despite the cries of ‘pessimist’ by friends and family. And it’s not just because the Phils are still a franchise that, historically, has lost way more often than it has won (although that was a key motivating factor in my original assessment). But it has more to do with the fact that they were really up against a juggernaut this year. This Yankees team was more loaded than the Fat-Boy special at IHOP (if there is such a thing. By the way, there should be). The fact that the Phillies didn’t come out on top is disappointing if you’re a fan, but unsurprising if you’re a realist. I don’t want to discredit the Yankees, or accuse them of ‘buying’ their championship – especially since they’ve been bringing in high-priced talent for the past 9 years and it didn’t translate into a championship until now. Anything other than owning up to the fact that the Phillies just lost to a better team is nothing but sour grapes. I know all the ‘diehard’ fans will disagree with that, and most of them are the same type of morons that are just a little bit too behind their sports teams, you know what I mean? Let’s put it this way, if you’ve ever: A) been in a fight because of a dispute involving your favorite professional sports team; B) ever been kicked out of a sporting event because you got drunk and acted like an asshole while watching your favorite sports team; or C) ever deluded yourself into thinking that anyone, including most importantly the organization itself, would ever give a rat’s ass if you suddenly stopped rooting so vehemently for said sports team, then you need to chiggity-check yourself before you wreck yourself.

With that aside, let’s please remember that the Phillies were 100 percent healthy throughout this entire postseason, and can’t sit on any excuse as to why they didn’t get it done, other than the simple fact that they were the inferior team. When the Yankees took Game 3 in Philly, I basically knew that was it. Philly would have had to get that sweep at home. I just had a gut feeling that going back to the Bronx for Games 6 and, if necessary, 7, would not turn out well.

Anyway, two straight trips to the World Series is nothing to sneeze at. I haven’t worked out all the math as to whose contracts are up and what might happen in the offseason, but I don’t expect the 2010 Phillies should be too much of a downgrade. Good fighting effort, Cliff Lee and Chase Utley were supermen, and there weren’t enough contributions from the rest of the team. That’s the long and the short of it. Oh and Pedro, even though you’re a character and easy to laugh at, the Yankees are, indeed, still your daddy.

• In the land of college football, Alabama squeezed past LSU yesterday in a key SEC West Division clash, basically setting up the SEC Title game contest between Florida and Alabama that we all knew would be looming all along. With Texas waiting in the wings, and assuming that the Longhorns take care of business and win the Big 12 Title, we’re probably headed for a Florida/’Bama winner vs. Texas national title game. Don’t count out TCU and Cincinnati though, sitting right behind at Nos. 4 and 5 in the latest AP poll. Also this past weekend, Iowa lost to Northwestern, which kind of kills the Hawkeyes’ dream season of playing for a championship. And Orgeon, which was ripping through the PAC 10 without a conference loss up until Saturday, was taken down by Stanford. Here’s what I’d love to happen – either Florida or ‘Bama will most likely win the SEC title game and be unbeaten, right? But if Texas loses the Big 12 championship game, and Cincinnati or TCU wins out, we could, possibly, dare to dream, see a Florida or ‘Bama vs. TCU or Cincy national title game. It’s a longshot, but not impossible. Hey BCS big-wigs, peep this: if you’re sick of everyone bitching about how unfair it is that there’s no playoff in Division I-A college football, then give one of these ‘lesser’ teams a shot at a title if they truly do their part. Or don’t, and continue to be one of the more vilified governing bodies of a major, multi-million dollar sport. Either way’s good with us.

• Can somebody please fill in the announcers and PA operators at NFL stadiums throughout the country that it is not, in fact, 1991, and that it is, on occasion, permissible to play a song snippet that’s NOT ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ or ‘Enter Sandman’ during a crucial moment in a game? I’d take just about anything else at this point. MC Hammer? Tenacious D? The Screaming Trees? Is anyone else on the same page with me?

• If YOU’VE ever experienced erectile dysfunction … oh wait, I’m sorry. I slipped into commercial mode there for a second. I thought this was the 2009 Major League Baseball playoffs. Seriously, when did baseball become the sport of choice for impotent men between the ages of, well, whatever the hell ages that MLB’s marketing gurus think are watching these games, I guess. I just don’t get it. The Viva Viagara commercial has to be the worst. I literally lunge for the remote whenever that goddamn thing comes on as if there’s five million dollars at stake for the first person to lay hands on it. And by the way, how should I feel about the fact that it’s been a challenge for me to even stay awake for the conclusion of many of these ’09 postseason baseball games? Do they just run too late? Am I just an old man? Should I join a boot camp fitness program? Entirely too many questions.

• I have to mention that I saw a riveting, albeit lengthy, off-off-broadway performance of the play ‘Pillowman’ at the Astoria Performing Arts Center Saturday night. I had heard great things about this play when it was on Broadway (starring Jeff Goldblum and Billy Crudup), but I didn’t have the chance to see it before its run ended. Well thanks to the magic of smaller productions and local theater, I saw a rather strong showing of it practically in my own backyard with my wife and a friend (by the way, I don’t have a backyard. I would possibly commit murder for one, I sometimes tell myself). If you’re a local reader, I highly recommend dropping the scant $18 and seeing this during its short run. Do be forewarned though, that it’s extremely eff’d up. This is not something to take the kiddies to go see. If you especially have a soft place in your heart for children, be extra careful. With some simple internet research, I’m sure you can find a synopsis of what it’s about. But be aware, it’s not the most easygoing theater experience.

• I heard about some super group that recently just formed, featuring Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters), Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) and John Paul Jones (legendary bassist/composer/arranger for Led Zeppelin). Considering that these are three of my favorite musicians, hailing from three of my favorite groups, I’m extremely curious to check them out. If anyone has any opinions/impressions from having heard anything they’ve done so far, please do pass along.

• There is now a DJ Hero video game. I’m torn whenever I see the commercial. I’m notorious for killing games like ‘Guitar Hero’ and ‘Rock Band’ by saying things like ‘Learn … the damn instrument … yourself!” But I realize that this simply isn’t practical or realistic for everyone. And while I’m much more excited by the thought of being able to experiment with actual DJ equipment some day, I realize that buying this silly game and hooking it up at home is way easier and more practical than figuring out how to gain access to, learn, and adequately operate REAL DJ equipment. Still, I can’t bring myself to go out and buy it. If hip hop music, overall, was in an actual strong overall state while this game was coming out, I’d be kicking down doors to scoop it up. But since it’s 2009, and not 1992, I just can’t quite muster the same level of excitement.

• TV, TV, TV. The Mad Men finale is tonight, Curb Your Enthusiasm will be winding down with the Seinfeld cast hopefully having a major presence in the last few episodes, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia continues to set the bar high for innovative, boundary-pushing comedy. The Office and 30 Rock are still passable, and I absolutely can’t wait for the return of Lost and Breaking Bad in the early part of 2010.

• Finally, I will never, ever, and I do mean never, get used to utter darkness at 5:40 p.m. It can’t be surprising that people literally get depressed at this phenomenon, right? If we abolished Daylight Savings Time, what would be the penalty exactly?

Alright, that’s a sufficient trip around the dial, eh? Please remember, there are only 46 shopping days left until Christmas. Don’t procrastinate. Also, don’t forget to blame the economy when people don’t like your gifts.