Catch a Tiger by his Toe, If he hollers … divorce him and take half

Alright, the Tiger Woods drama is practically old news by now, and I’ve thought about it from almost every possible angle. But I just can’t seem to come to any singular idea or thought pattern that sums it all up.

If I was forced to try at gunpoint, I’d probably take a page out of Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five’s songbook from 1982, and remind us that ‘It’s all about money ain’t a damn thing funny – got to have a car in this land of milk and honey.’

Okay, so maybe we all don’t HAVE to own an automobile, but Melle Mel’s point is well taken, is it not?  It’s difficult for me to see the relationship between Tiger and his wife, former nanny/model Elin Nordegren, as anything other than one primarily rooted in dollars and cents.

At this point, most of us are aware of all the prenuptial agreement talk between these two. There’s more horse-trading going on here than at the Kentucky Derby. Or … she can just divorce him NOW for cheating and take half of his approximately $1 billion fortune. Why she isn’t speed-dialing divorce attorneys in the greater Orlando area as we speak is beyond me.

Look, what exactly does it say about this relationship that Tiger doesn’t even consistently bring his wife and children with him whenever he goes on tour? No, instead he FLIES IN women that he’s cheating with, as he did while playing in a tournament in Australia (allegedly … hey I’m not the moral police, it’s okay) while his wife and kids just chill out by the pool in central Florida or hang out at Disney World.

Yeah, it’s a little hard for me to believe that either Tiger or his wife loves the other more than the idea of having, now and in the future, gobs and buckets of money and financial comfort. But maybe I’m just a cynic, who the hell knows.

Seems like a marriage of convenience, so that Tiger can appear as a decent family man. You know, so that that all the oodles of people out there purchasing Woods-endorsed products feel okay about it. They’re buying from a family man! See that!? He’s not just a withdrawn loner who hooks up with ladies left and right and then moves on to the next one. He’s a MARRIED withdrawn loner who hooks up with ladies left and right and then moves on to the next one.

But do not fear, Tiger supporters/haters. Even if his wife leaves him and gets half, I don’t think either one of them needs to worry about how they’re getting their next meal. And to anybody who’s actually surprised that he cheated? Please. We have no idea what any of these people do when we’re not seeing them behave like choir boys in front of the camera. If he was so madly in love to begin with, the desire and opportunity to cheat wouldn’t have been there in the first place.

Jersey SHOOOOORRREEEE

Reality TV has hit an all-time new low. Jersey Shore, which premiered on MTV last week, makes recent seasons of The Real World look like Father Knows Best.

In The Real World, a hot-tub/threesome kissing/naked scene was usually the highlight of the season. In this show, it’s a goddamn appetizer.

An Italian-American group protested the show’s airing. What’s the premise of Jersey Shore, you ask? Well this will be tough to explain. It’s about a bunch of young men and women hanging out at the Jersey Shore, drinking, yelling at each other, hooking up every 5 minutes, and that’s about it.

I love MTV’s defense of this sloppy drunkfest of fake-looking chiseled meatheads and girls that never stop complaining in their annoyingly overdone Joi-sey accents. Rites of passage? How they self-identify?! I’m thinking most of these troglodytes have already experienced just about every rite of ‘passage’ years ago. Self-identity? It’s clear they are mere caricatures, whether intentional or not, and are hamming up their real personalities times 10 for the cameras because that’s the whole freaking point of this joke of a show.

Is it still entertaining? On many levels, yes. But for the wrong reasons. It’s for the same reason that we all rubberneck while passing a bad car accident, or maybe stare a little too long at someone with a harelip or an unfortunately-placed mole.

DRRREEEWWWW! Okay, now that that's out of the way.

But seriously, if shows like Jersey Shore continue to air, and newer incarnations continue to manifest themselves and attempt to top each other at every turn, we’ll soon be left with a world closely resembling that portrayed in Mike Judge’s hilarious 2006 farce Idiocracy. Unfortunately, this would be no laughing matter, but most of us would be too stupid to even know it.

Good Flick, Hard to Watch

Saw an excellent movie Friday night, one that’s been garnering some early Oscar buzz.

It’s called ‘Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.’ It’s the dreary, depressing tale of an overweight, pregnant (with her second child, no less) African American teenager in 1987 Harlem dealing with an abusive family and a seeming sense of hopelessness in terms of her ability to create a positive life for herself.

Yeah – sounds like a great evening at the old theater, right? But don’t get it twisted – it’s powerful stuff. And if you want to see something that might make you use your brain, or if you’re sick of staring at masturbatory CGI or white-hot explosives for the umpteenth time, see this movie. Mon’ique, playing the young girl’s mom, is menacingly terrific as the mother who makes your own look like Mrs. Brady, no matter how bad you think your old lady can be.

The performances are great, because there’s a subtlety to the struggle that you witness. You’re watching a set of folks who are probably one hair away from being out on the street, but they don’t act all ‘woe-is-me’ every waking second. They don’t have the energy for that. It’s just ‘keep plugging along.’ Specifically, Mariah Carey is quietly sublime as the haggard, worn-out yet compassionate social worker who attempts to help Precious get back on track (she’s one of two central female characters that help challenge this emotionally drained young woman to attempt to overcome her obstacles). It’s also more than a little bit ironic to see Carey playing a social worker in AIDS/drugs-ravaged New York City in the 80s, when you consider what she’s worth in real life as on one of the more recognizable pop/R&B artists of her generation. But she, and pretty much all the cast members, knock it out of the park.

See the movie – but if you’re in the mood for something upbeat, take a pass.

Back up in your ass with the Resurrection!

Okay, by all accounts, the recent inactivity is unacceptable, and that’s being kind. To be fair, I WAS abducted by aliens. I don’t want to talk about it, but know this – if you’re hanging out by yourself in the middle of an empty field and you see a bright white light illuminating the night sky, rising like a Phoenix (perhaps from Arizona), do NOT stare directly into said light and do nothing. Do just about anything else. Run, cover your eyes, scream, yell, attempt calisthenics … but please, I beg of you, do NOT just stare into the light.

Now, with that out of the way, let us turn to Division I-A college football – and as we stand at the end of this post-Thanksgiving weekend, many of the kinks of the 2009 season are starting to iron themselves out, much like a halfway acceptable dress shirt.

It’s all shaping up folks. Florida, Alabama and Texas are still Numbers 1-3, but one of those first two schools will obviously lose in Saturday’s SEC Championship Game. Texas will be the heavy favorite against a 3-loss Nebraska team in the Big 12 Title contest the same day, but I’m honestly rooting against the Longhorns at this point, just so we can see a first-hand test of how the BCS system would respond to such tomfoolery and unexpectedness.

Let’s suppose for a second that Texas loses to Nebraska, and either Florida or Alabama are left standing as the lone unbeaten Top 3 team. Would TCU, unbeaten and ranked fourth in the BCS Standings but hailing from a significantly weaker Mountain West Conference, sneak into the national championship game to face either Florida or ‘Bama, or would Texas be rewarded with a berth in the championship tilt right after having lost to a mediocre Cornhuskers team?

I think I know the answer, and if what happened last year is any indication, then we’ll be seeing UT vs. either Florida or Alabama no matter what happens. In 2008, Oklahoma lost in the Big 12 title matchup but turned around and found itself in the championship game against Florida. Meanwhile, Texas found itself on the outside looking in, despite having lost only to a highly-ranked and well-regarded Texas Tech team midway through the regular season.

This year should be different, and here’s why: it’s not just because TCU is unbeaten, fourth in the BCS Standings, and should go to the big game if two of the top 3 teams lose (although that would certainly be reason enough). Beyond that, it’s because of the utter and complete domination that the Horned Frogs have shown this year against their opponents. We can all agree that they play in the weakest conference amongst all BCS-bound teams, yes? So what must a team that is automatically penalized by a soft schedule do to compensate? Beat all of its opponents by a wide, convincing margin. And that’s pretty much just what the Horned Frogs have done.

Only two of TCU’s victories were by a less-than-a-touchdown margin – a 14-10 triumph over Clemson (which lives in the SEC, the pound-for-pound toughest conference in college football), and a 20-17 win against Air Force, traditionally one of the more feisty non-major conference independents.

Overall, the Horned Frogs’ average margin of victory in compiling their impressive 12-0 regular-season campaign in 2009 is 40.67 – 12.42. Don’t forget, that huge disparity includes the aforementioned 3-point and 4-point games to skew it down from what it otherwise would be. And it’s not as though all of TCU’s victims were unranked. Both BYU and Utah were at No. 16 when each of those teams were crushed by the Horned Frogs by respective scores of 38-7 and 55-28.

So the long and the short of it is: you couldn’t possibly or realistically ask TCU to do much more in terms of taking care of its own business within the context of advancing to a championship game. If Texas wins, then it’s just too bad for TCU. Then we’d have two unbeatens from major conferences (even though the Big 12 was considerably down this year – but that’s a whole other argument). But if Nebraska somehow upends the Longhorns and TCU doesn’t get the nod, the BCS will be looking like this.

Oh and let’s not pretend that strong teams from lesser conferences aren’t capable of beating up on teams from superior conferences. Look no further than Utah’s 31-17 win over No. 4 Alabama in the 2009 All-State Sugar Bowl. And for anyone who watched at the time, the game wasn’t nearly as close as the score would suggest.

As for the way the other BCS bowls are likely to shape up this year, the Rose Bowl will pit Big 10 champion Ohio State against the PAC 10 winner (either Oregon or Oregon State – they play each other Thursday night to determine the conference champion and that will be a ‘dandy,’ as Keith Jackson would say). UT will most likely win the Big 12 and Florida will probably beat Alabama (just for the sake of matchup predictions), which would put the Longhorns against the Gators for the ultimate trophy. ‘Bama vs. TCU would be a nice consolation prize for the Horned Frogs, and still a tough matchup for the SEC runner-up (hey if Alabama wins Saturday and goes on to face Texas, who wouldn’t love to see Florida play TCU come January 2010? Between Tebow’s clean-cut love for God and the TCU program all in the same place, that would be a religious experience like no other!)

That would basically leave the Big East champion (either Pittsburgh or Cincinnati, depending on what happens between these two squads Saturday afternoon) to take on an at-large BCS team (Boise State or Iowa maybe), while ACC winner Georgia Tech or Clemson (those two schools play for that conference title Saturday night) would face another at-large BCS team (again, possibly BSU or Iowa).

Happy Bowling – hope it works out controversy free (but I doubt it).

NFL, College Football and Other Stuff in Between

Updating this space is getting to be as about as rare for me as winning games is for the Cleveland Browns, or getting onto the field for more than 2 plays at a time for Michael Vick.
But since we’re all here now, it would be downright ludicrous not to chew into some football delicacies (notice how I like to equate lots of things with food?). I’ve been skipping out on the NFL stuff for the past few weeks, so rather than the game recaps, I’m just going to give out some thoughts on the teams that I think may have a fighting chance come playoff time, as well as go into the college scene for a little bit, and of course some other not-sports stuff.

NFC
New Orleans and Minnesota. Okay, anyone who’s paying any attention knows the Saints and Vikings basically own the conference right now. What’s great about that is the fact that one of these teams (N.O.) has never been to a Super Bowl, and the other one hasn’t been anywhere near one since 1998 (Vikings losing a heartbreaker in the NFC Title game to the Atlanta Falcons). These teams are very much alike also – both play in domes, both have tons of offensive weaponry and top-notch QBs with rocket arms and decent running games as a complement, and both have adequate, but not fantastic, defensive skills. The prospect of a Saints-Vikes NFC Championship game is exciting. Weather certainly wouldn’t be a factor, regardless of who would have home-field advantage. The scoreboard would need to be on some serious steroids because of all the points likely to be put up. I hope it plays out this way too. The Cardinals were a nice surprise last year but I don’t see them doing anything long term this season, and the Eagles-Giants-Cowboys just don’t feel like they have the juice to make a legitimate Super Bowl run. But hear me now – don’t sleep on the Atlanta Falcons. There they sit at 5-3 (ANOTHER dome team, too) with everyone just assuming they won’t be anywhere in the picture when it counts. So often, those are the teams you have to worry about the most. Just ask New Orleans – Atlanta probably came closer than anyone else has to beating them this year (Nov. 2nd Monday night game that the Saints barely won 35-27).

AFC
The Indianapolis Colts seem to be the consensus pick here to make a real run at winning the whole enchilada. Peyton Manning appears to be doing everything for this organization, including playing QB, coaching, managing other players, shooting commercials, overseeing charities, watching endless amounts of game film, and probably mopping the floors too when nobody’s looking (okay, so maybe not that last one). He’s here to work this year, no diggity. The Patriots, at 6-2 and slowly gaining momentum, are almost certainly going to win the AFC East, and it would be highly improbable for some team other than Denver (also 6-2) to win the increasingly mediocre AFC West. But look to the North, friends, and the picture is a bit more fuzzy (fuzzier? Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear?) Cincinnati and Pittsburgh are both 6-2, at least as of this writing, but in just a few short hours, one of them will be 7-2 and the other will be 6-3 as they square off this afternoon at Heinz Field. Some crunching bones and droplets of blood are likely to be seen in this one – going to be an all-out war. This might be the best division race this season, other than the NFC East. Stay tuned. I had my doubts about the defending champs for awhile, but it’s looking more each week like we might see the Steelers back in the AFC Title game. Steelers-Colts or Steelers-Pats sounds right to me.

College Football
So the Big 3 – meaning Florida, Alabama and Texas – are still unbeaten after yesterday’s games, and of those three, only Florida even came close to losing. They had to hang on for a tight 24-14 victory over South Carolina and former longtime Gators coach Steve Spurrier. And then there’s TCU, sitting at No. 4 in the BCS Standings. Unfortunately, the Horned Frogs will probably be on the outside looking in as for the national title game, no matter what happens. Florida and ‘Bama are set to meet on Dec. 5 in the SEC Championship game, no matter what happens (even if either or both lose between now and then). Texas has an easy road left also, although some will say that Texas A&M game will be a rough one, no matter how mediocre the Aggies appear to be this year. But let’s not kid ourselves – major hiccups aside, two of the Big 3 will be left standing undefeated. Now, let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that all of the Big 3 have a loss somewhere along the way before Bowl Season, and TCU is still undefeated. By the way, the Horned Frogs pasted No. 16 Utah last night 55-28, and led 38-14 at halftime (that’s called ‘taking care of business’). But have no doubt about it - under the current setup, TCU will not play for a championship. It just won’t happen. Administrators, the NCAA, ratings people at the BCS TV networks, etc., would rather see two one-loss teams with the matchup potential of Florida-Texas or ‘Bama-Texas as opposed to Florida-TCU, or Texas-Cincinnati. It’s just a little difficult for me to get past the inherent flaw of the fact that only a handful of about 10-12 rotating big-time programs have any sort of realistic shot at playing for the ultimate prize each year. What are the other teams in it for? Oh hey guys, you can’t ever be national champions, no matter how many points you score or huge margins-of-victory you post in going undefeated, but you CAN go to some lesser bowl game and be left to wonder forever if you were good enough to be the best team in the country. Now get out there and show ‘em you mean business!
Rant aside, a couple other notable events from yesterday’s action include Ohio State’s thrilling 27-24 overtime win against Iowa, giving the Buckeyes the Big Ten title and an automatic berth in the Rose Bowl. Also, the Pitt Panthers are 9-1 for the first time since 1982 (Dan Marino’s senior season) and ranked in the Top 10 in the latest AP Poll. They’ll square off with Cincinnati in the Big East title game on Dec. 5th. Oh and, this is a Dave Wannstedt coached team, let’s not forget that. I don’t understand it either. But I do like it. I’ve always enjoyed Pitt. They’re like the kid brother of the two major Division I college football programs in the state of Pennsylvania (to Penn State of course), and being someone who has long followed high school football in the Keystone State, I’ve been waiting for quite some time to see the program that has scooped up most of the major homegrown talent finally begin to rise to national prominence. Good times. I’ll be rooting for the Panthers on Dec. 5. If they can win out, they’ll definitely get themselves into a nice January Bowl game.

Them Crooked Vultures
I gave a brief mention about this band in my last entry. It’s a super-group of sorts featuring Foo Fighters frontman and ex-Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl (on drums), Queens of the Stone Age singer/songwriter/guitarist Josh Homme (guitar/vocals), and of course the one-and-only Led Zeppelin bassist/keyboardist/composer/arranger/everything else man John Paul Jones (playing bass). I listened to probably 85-90 percent of their debut album, due out this Tuesday (Nov. 17th) on youtube last night, and it’s quite notably good. Of all the bands from which TCV originates, they probably sound most similar to Queens of the Stone Age, if I was forced to pick just one. But there’s just enough variance in their sound that it doesn’t come off as too derivative. The grooves are wicked, Homme’s smooth vocals are a nice complement to the rhythmic, driving, heavy guitar sound (classic Zeppelin at times), and Dave Grohl has just got to be one of the most talented drummers of his generation. It was funny to me also to see a lot of the youtube comments hailing this as the second coming of rock savior-dom. We have officially reached a sad state of modern music when one above-average album receives the kind of recognition and hype that this one is getting so far. Don’t get it twisted, this is an epic, fantastic band. But 17 years ago, this album would have been one of many really good albums constantly being released. I’m happy it’s here, but depressed for the overall state of rock, hip hop and many other beloved forms of music in our current time. Nevertheless, cop this one if you’re a fan of any (or all) of those 3 bands (QOTSA, Foos, Zeppelin). I love all of them, which is why it’s not surprising that I thoroughly enjoy TCV.

Fake Onion-Style News Short
This is a piece I’ve been wanting to put down for quite some time. It’s pretty self explanatory. Let ‘er rip.

Headline: Despite Flagging Economy and Anemic Job Market, Employed People Becoming Increasingly Bitter

ASSOCIATED PRESS – Despite statistical evidence that bears out a disturbing trend in increasing joblessness and an economy that is taking longer than expected to turn around, many of those who are fortunate enough to have jobs, both of the white and blue collar variety, are tired of working so hard, and even more frustrated at being told that they should be thankful for the jobs that they have.
“That’s a bunch of bullshit,” said project manager John McElwain, smoking a cigarette outside of his Fifth Avenue financial office job earlier this week in New York City. “Do you have any idea how much it costs to live well in this goddamned city? I work more hours now than I ever have because my company is too fucking cheap to hire more people, thanks to this awful economy, but I’m not getting any more money for it. In fact, I’ll be lucky to see a bonus this year.”
“Merry Fucking Christmas,” he intoned, while crushing out his cigarette and blowing a plume of angry smoke into the air before returning to his occupational hell.
“You know, I understand, I’m lucky to be working, I get it,” said MaryAnn Jenkins, a 38-year-old hairdresser in Mobile, Alabama. “But sometimes, you know, I wish I could just quit my job, go home and sit around on the couch for awhile, and collect unemployment until I get things figured out. I mean, you know. Work is fine, but what the hell? It’s the same thing day after day. People who don’t have jobs right now have no idea how lucky they are.”
Quincy Johns, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Columbia University and former marketing major in college, weighed in as to why there are so many people who don’t feel so ‘lucky’ to be working.
“What we have is an increasing sense of frustration amongst the individuals who are gainfully employed right now,” Johns said. “This is indicative of the fact that there are millions of working Americans out there right now who simply don’t have the jobs that they really want. Unfortunately, we can’t all be professional athletes, or Perez Hilton, or self-made entrepreneurs.”
When asked what people with jobs can do to overcome this sense of unhappiness, Johns said that they can “stop being whiny little bitches and just go to work and continue to earn a paycheck like everybody else.”
Dominic Arenzio, a pizza restauranteur in Charlotte, N.C., is one of the few who is thrilled to have his job during this currently depressing economic climate.
“Hey, people like pizza no matter if they have a job or not,” he said with a laugh. “You want a slice? That’ll be $4.50. Hey – don’t look at me like that. Tough times right now, gotta do what I gotta do.”

Everything Under the Sun

Okay, not quite, but I’ve got a variety of goodies, despite the fact that Halloween is now well behind us. You know what else is well behind us? The 2009 World Series. No escaping the fact that my team (yes, I DO own them, thank you!) lost. My ideas on that, and a cornucopia, a veritable cascade of other thoughts, await you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is total improv-style. We’re going to be on the ‘Whose Line is it Anyway’ tip here. Don’t ask me for further explanation, as I will not be able to offer such.

• I was one of the skeptic blowhards talking about how the Phillies didn’t have what it takes to repeat this year, dating all the way back to the beginning of the 2009 postseason and the Colorado Rockies NLDS Series, despite the cries of ‘pessimist’ by friends and family. And it’s not just because the Phils are still a franchise that, historically, has lost way more often than it has won (although that was a key motivating factor in my original assessment). But it has more to do with the fact that they were really up against a juggernaut this year. This Yankees team was more loaded than the Fat-Boy special at IHOP (if there is such a thing. By the way, there should be). The fact that the Phillies didn’t come out on top is disappointing if you’re a fan, but unsurprising if you’re a realist. I don’t want to discredit the Yankees, or accuse them of ‘buying’ their championship – especially since they’ve been bringing in high-priced talent for the past 9 years and it didn’t translate into a championship until now. Anything other than owning up to the fact that the Phillies just lost to a better team is nothing but sour grapes. I know all the ‘diehard’ fans will disagree with that, and most of them are the same type of morons that are just a little bit too behind their sports teams, you know what I mean? Let’s put it this way, if you’ve ever: A) been in a fight because of a dispute involving your favorite professional sports team; B) ever been kicked out of a sporting event because you got drunk and acted like an asshole while watching your favorite sports team; or C) ever deluded yourself into thinking that anyone, including most importantly the organization itself, would ever give a rat’s ass if you suddenly stopped rooting so vehemently for said sports team, then you need to chiggity-check yourself before you wreck yourself.

With that aside, let’s please remember that the Phillies were 100 percent healthy throughout this entire postseason, and can’t sit on any excuse as to why they didn’t get it done, other than the simple fact that they were the inferior team. When the Yankees took Game 3 in Philly, I basically knew that was it. Philly would have had to get that sweep at home. I just had a gut feeling that going back to the Bronx for Games 6 and, if necessary, 7, would not turn out well.

Anyway, two straight trips to the World Series is nothing to sneeze at. I haven’t worked out all the math as to whose contracts are up and what might happen in the offseason, but I don’t expect the 2010 Phillies should be too much of a downgrade. Good fighting effort, Cliff Lee and Chase Utley were supermen, and there weren’t enough contributions from the rest of the team. That’s the long and the short of it. Oh and Pedro, even though you’re a character and easy to laugh at, the Yankees are, indeed, still your daddy.

• In the land of college football, Alabama squeezed past LSU yesterday in a key SEC West Division clash, basically setting up the SEC Title game contest between Florida and Alabama that we all knew would be looming all along. With Texas waiting in the wings, and assuming that the Longhorns take care of business and win the Big 12 Title, we’re probably headed for a Florida/’Bama winner vs. Texas national title game. Don’t count out TCU and Cincinnati though, sitting right behind at Nos. 4 and 5 in the latest AP poll. Also this past weekend, Iowa lost to Northwestern, which kind of kills the Hawkeyes’ dream season of playing for a championship. And Orgeon, which was ripping through the PAC 10 without a conference loss up until Saturday, was taken down by Stanford. Here’s what I’d love to happen – either Florida or ‘Bama will most likely win the SEC title game and be unbeaten, right? But if Texas loses the Big 12 championship game, and Cincinnati or TCU wins out, we could, possibly, dare to dream, see a Florida or ‘Bama vs. TCU or Cincy national title game. It’s a longshot, but not impossible. Hey BCS big-wigs, peep this: if you’re sick of everyone bitching about how unfair it is that there’s no playoff in Division I-A college football, then give one of these ‘lesser’ teams a shot at a title if they truly do their part. Or don’t, and continue to be one of the more vilified governing bodies of a major, multi-million dollar sport. Either way’s good with us.

• Can somebody please fill in the announcers and PA operators at NFL stadiums throughout the country that it is not, in fact, 1991, and that it is, on occasion, permissible to play a song snippet that’s NOT ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ or ‘Enter Sandman’ during a crucial moment in a game? I’d take just about anything else at this point. MC Hammer? Tenacious D? The Screaming Trees? Is anyone else on the same page with me?

• If YOU’VE ever experienced erectile dysfunction … oh wait, I’m sorry. I slipped into commercial mode there for a second. I thought this was the 2009 Major League Baseball playoffs. Seriously, when did baseball become the sport of choice for impotent men between the ages of, well, whatever the hell ages that MLB’s marketing gurus think are watching these games, I guess. I just don’t get it. The Viva Viagara commercial has to be the worst. I literally lunge for the remote whenever that goddamn thing comes on as if there’s five million dollars at stake for the first person to lay hands on it. And by the way, how should I feel about the fact that it’s been a challenge for me to even stay awake for the conclusion of many of these ’09 postseason baseball games? Do they just run too late? Am I just an old man? Should I join a boot camp fitness program? Entirely too many questions.

• I have to mention that I saw a riveting, albeit lengthy, off-off-broadway performance of the play ‘Pillowman’ at the Astoria Performing Arts Center Saturday night. I had heard great things about this play when it was on Broadway (starring Jeff Goldblum and Billy Crudup), but I didn’t have the chance to see it before its run ended. Well thanks to the magic of smaller productions and local theater, I saw a rather strong showing of it practically in my own backyard with my wife and a friend (by the way, I don’t have a backyard. I would possibly commit murder for one, I sometimes tell myself). If you’re a local reader, I highly recommend dropping the scant $18 and seeing this during its short run. Do be forewarned though, that it’s extremely eff’d up. This is not something to take the kiddies to go see. If you especially have a soft place in your heart for children, be extra careful. With some simple internet research, I’m sure you can find a synopsis of what it’s about. But be aware, it’s not the most easygoing theater experience.

• I heard about some super group that recently just formed, featuring Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters), Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) and John Paul Jones (legendary bassist/composer/arranger for Led Zeppelin). Considering that these are three of my favorite musicians, hailing from three of my favorite groups, I’m extremely curious to check them out. If anyone has any opinions/impressions from having heard anything they’ve done so far, please do pass along.

• There is now a DJ Hero video game. I’m torn whenever I see the commercial. I’m notorious for killing games like ‘Guitar Hero’ and ‘Rock Band’ by saying things like ‘Learn … the damn instrument … yourself!” But I realize that this simply isn’t practical or realistic for everyone. And while I’m much more excited by the thought of being able to experiment with actual DJ equipment some day, I realize that buying this silly game and hooking it up at home is way easier and more practical than figuring out how to gain access to, learn, and adequately operate REAL DJ equipment. Still, I can’t bring myself to go out and buy it. If hip hop music, overall, was in an actual strong overall state while this game was coming out, I’d be kicking down doors to scoop it up. But since it’s 2009, and not 1992, I just can’t quite muster the same level of excitement.

• TV, TV, TV. The Mad Men finale is tonight, Curb Your Enthusiasm will be winding down with the Seinfeld cast hopefully having a major presence in the last few episodes, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia continues to set the bar high for innovative, boundary-pushing comedy. The Office and 30 Rock are still passable, and I absolutely can’t wait for the return of Lost and Breaking Bad in the early part of 2010.

• Finally, I will never, ever, and I do mean never, get used to utter darkness at 5:40 p.m. It can’t be surprising that people literally get depressed at this phenomenon, right? If we abolished Daylight Savings Time, what would be the penalty exactly?

Alright, that’s a sufficient trip around the dial, eh? Please remember, there are only 46 shopping days left until Christmas. Don’t procrastinate. Also, don’t forget to blame the economy when people don’t like your gifts.

Randomness on Halloween

We’re in the thick of another glorious sporting weekend, but before putting the puzzle together, we have to shake all the pieces out of the box.
Before that happens, I have some extremely scattered and out-of-nowhere thoughts on this gloomy (at least in NYC) Halloween day. The freaks will most certainly be coming out tonight, on the one day of year when making a complete ass of yourself is not only expected, but probably a little bit encouraged, and also the only time on the calendar when girls can get away with wearing stuff that would normally provoke nothing but stares and judgment on any of the other 364 days of the year. This, of course, can work both ways (meaning it can be either good OR bad). This is why, thankfully, we have the power to just … look … away. Unfortunately, this is sometimes easier said than done. Whatever happens, keep in mind that one option is to drink so much that you can forget anything bad that happened, and recall only the good. On to the madness! (not all of this will be about sports, as I promised of course when I started this thing to occasionally write about other stuff. Thanks for being patient, non-sports nuts).

• You like classic rock? Of course you do! Question for you – is the greatest number of best rock bands over the history of music from the states or the U.K.? Holster that metal piece all you overzealous American patriots! Sure, a plethora of excellent bands have formed and put out music right here in our own backyard (Van Halen, The Doors, Aerosmith, the short-lived but brilliant early career of Guns ‘n Roses). But England will always be able to lay claim to Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Cream/Clapton, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks and Pink Floyd. Obviously, there are about a zillion more examples to cite on both sides, but those are some of the heaviest hitters. To look back on a time when all of these previously-mentioned bands were creating their art and touring the world, and compare it to the music industry now, is to simply become utterly depressed. It’s very hard to say how we got here from there. Entire books and theses probably have been and are being formulated on that very topic. But the debate about which side of the Atlantic is winning (has won?) the ‘best bands’ war is fun, even if pointless and ridiculous on a ‘what does it really matter’ level. My two favorite rock bands are a split for U.S. vs. England – Van Halen and Led Zep. It’s impossible to choose one over the other, so I won’t. But I will say this – The first six albums of VH’s career, in other words the ‘David Lee Roth’ era, are some of the most unbelievable albums ever put out, even 25-30 years later. The raw, no-polish-needed power, the harmonies, Eddie’s guitar work, the vocalizing, DLR’s charisma as a front man – there was nothing Van Halen couldn’t do. And I only wish I was old enough at the time to fully appreciate it (I wasn’t). Thanks to the magic of the internet, it’s much easier nowadays to get a sense for how things were in an era gone by, even if you weren’t there for the first go-round. U.S. or U.K.? Thoughts? Weigh in? Yes, no, maybe so?

• Another Saturday afternoon of college football glory is in full throttle. Nothing too out of the ordinary is going down as of now, except that No. 4 Iowa had to come roaring back from a 24-14 deficit against unranked Indiana to score 28 unanswered fourth-quarter points for the win. Florida is leading Georgia by a fairly comfortable margin, and pretty much everyone else that was supposed to win in the early games did so. No. 5 USC vs. No. 10 Oregon tonight is the big game today, taking place at 8 EST. Suspended Ducks senior running back LeGarrette Blount might be reinstated as of next week, after his season-long suspension in Oregon’s 2009 opener for punching a taunting Boise State player immediately after the Broncos’ home victory. Apparently, rules are arbitrary and can be altered at any time! This is the magic of rules – there are no rules to enforce that rules cannot be changed. Well, at least not as it applies to the NCAA. Hey don’t get it twisted, I think a season-long suspension was kind of ridiculous to begin with. But flip-flopping on rules whenever you feel like it just because a team is having a better-than-expected season is also kind of silly.

• Phillies and Yankees are tied at one game apiece in the World Series. Somebody will be leading 2-1 about 6-7 hours from now. As a Phillies fan, the mere thought of this series makes me want to block my ears, close my eyes and just start yelling nonsense. How tense have these first two games been? For different reasons, this series means a ton for both of these franchises. Enthralling stuff. I’ll be able to talk about it better later. Not now. Please. Not now.

• For anyone wondering why my blog is called ‘playapresident,’ – well, there’s no excellent reason other than the fact that true, dyed-in-the-wool, older east coast hip hop is my calling card (and has been for quite some time). Notorious B.I.G. is just one of many artists whose work will live on in infamy, and as he so aptly appropriated in his remix of ‘One More Chance’ – ‘Lyrically, I’m supposed to represent; Not only a client, I’m the player president.’ Much love. At some point, I’ll delve more deeply into the essence of true hip hop – what it entails, the different sub-cultures within the culture, the birth, progression, and unfortunately ongoing death of it. Lots to say, so little time. In the meantime, what exactly is happening with music today? I’ve never felt so disconnected from it in the same era where we have more access to it now than ever before. Can anyone explain this?


Have a fun Halloween Saturday night, and stay away from Freddy Kruger, Jason, and generally anyone lunging toward you with a deadly weapon, if at all possible.

Pretenders and Contenders

The chasm between the good, the bad and the mediocre during this NFL season continues to get wider than Rex Ryan’s underwear. There’s really quite a bit of separation going on. It feels like a doomed marriage. You know, lots of yelling, tons of miscommunication, mishandled balls (alright, enough already, I get it).

But seriously, when has there been an NFL season in recent memory when we’ve had 3 unbeatens 7-8 weeks into the season, and this many still-winless or not-winless-but-still-deplorably-atrocious teams? There are a few exceptions I guess. The Baltimore Ravens are 3-3, but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking there’s no way they could be in the playoffs 10 weeks from now. Also, we all pretty much have written off Arizona and are assuming that last year’s Super Bowl appearance was a fluke, but now they’re 4-2, atop the NFC West (yeah, not so great, I know), but maybe most importantly, they beat the NY Giants at the Meadowlands in a primetime game on a glorious fall night in which weather conditions were no factor whatsoever (we all know Eli can’t throw in the wind).
Anyway, this is why the NFL is so much fun. It’s just one big crapshoot. In fact, if you go to Vegas, do me this favor if you have a choice between putting down most of your play money on craps or a weekend of NFL action - go with craps. I’d be willing to bet that your chances of success will be infinitely greater, as improbable as that may sound.
Without further ado:

Green Bay 31, Cleveland 3
The Pack is quietly putting together a decent season, sitting at 4-2 and in second place right behind the Vikings in the NFC North. The fact that they dismantled Cleveland this badly is about as surprising as hearing that a Kardashian made a sex tape, or that there are a few people out there who feel somewhat strongly about the current health care debate. Speaking of which, thousands of artery-challenged Cheeseheads will be on their feet and going apeshit for when Brett Favre and the Vikings visit Green Bay on Sunday. Yes, the prodigal son will be returning, much to the chagrin of anybody who ever rooted for him in a Packers uniform at any point in their lives. This game might make my head explode, particularly considering that it will be occurring on the same day as Giants-Eagles and Game 4 of the Phillies-Yankees World Series at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia. Strap it up, it’s gonna be messy. By the way, does anyone else just know deep down that Favre is going to rip Green Bay’s hearts out in this game, and eventually the Vikings’ hearts out later in the 2009 season? I trust this guy about as much as LSU fans trust Nick Saban.

San Diego 37, Kansas City 7
Wow, not much I can really say about this one. Completely unsurprising. And for once, San Diego mounted a better-than-pathetic defensive effort – although it was, of course, against the uber-awful, 1-and-6 Kansas City Chiefs. By the way, what the hell has happened to LaDainian Tomlinson exactly? I mean, I know the guy is getting a little older, but, only 71 yards against KC’s defense? Ex-squeeze me? Meanwhile, are the Chargers a possible playoff team? Hey, even if they are, it won’t matter because Norv Turner will take them down in a great big ball of flames in the playoffs.

Indianapolis 42, St. Louis 6
Also entirely expected. How exactly did the Colts end up with such a soft schedule by the way? They’ve got 3 home games in a row coming up, starting with the 49ers, who suddenly aren’t looking as good as everyone thought early on, followed by the Houston Texans who are 4-3, but I’m not ready to drink that Kool Aid just yet, and then finally, after that the Colts will actually be tested when Tom Brady and the Patriots roll into town. Is it any wonder that Peyton Manning is playing as if he’s on switched-on ‘Eff You’ Madden computer mode? He’s plowing through a cotton field while other teams are trying to run through a moving wall of spikes. Eh whatever, they’ll still make the playoffs and are probably a strong choice for a deep playoff run.

Pittsburgh 27, Minnesota 17
Exciting game. The champs are the champs for a reason, but no matter who I talk to, nobody really expects the Steelers can win another Super Bowl this year. First loss for the Vikings, and I guess it proves that, if nothing else, it’s a little tougher for them to win on the road without the comfort zone of the weather-conditions-free dome and the ear-splitting roar of Minnesota’s fans. Still though, it never ceases to amaze me when I watch Favre uncork one of his trademark 50 or 60-yard bombs downfield that looks like it’s been launched on a frozen rope. What the hell is going on with this guy anyway? If NFL QBs’ arms were like people, Favre’s throwing gun would be Peter North. What, and you thought this was family hour?

New England 35, Tampa Bay 7
Damn, how many completely predictable games were there this weekend anyway? All the Patriot doubters jumped the gun too early, didn’t they? Back in first place, 5-2 record. Okay, true, they’ve whipped the likes of Tampa Bay and Tennessee the past two weeks, but sometimes that’s all you need to get the momentum train rolling and start playing with some confidence again. They’ve got a bye this week coming up, and then Miami comes to town. And based on what we saw the Dolphins almost do to the Saints, the Pats will need to be ready for that one. If I were a New England fan, I’d be praying for a 20-degree wind chill and consistently slick wet stuff falling down for four quarters.

Houston 24, San Francisco 21
Now here’s a perfect example of teams that aren’t lock-down contenders, but are also not certainly out of playoff contention either. The Niners’ revitalized defense was one of its strengths earlier on this year, but that seems to have changed of late. Meanwhile, the Texans are going to need to get used to this whole ‘having more wins than losses’ thing. The fact that they are in second place in the AFC South is also sort of funny. I do know one thing – if they do, by some miracle, make the playoffs, they’ll truly have been the 2009 sleeper.

Buffalo 20, Carolina 9
How bad is Carolina that the Bills beat them by 11 points? Sure, 2-4 isn’t as bad as, say, 0-6 or 0-7, but what Carolina does is almost worse in a way. They’re spotty in their ineptness, which is to say that on certain days they actually don’t look horrible, but on other days, such as this one, there is no hope for them whatsoever. Other than that, there’s very little of consequence to even say about this game. Two teams headed for a .500 finish at best (probably worse), and certainly not the playoffs. I bet Buffalo fans are thrilled with the TO signing now!

NY Jets 38, Oakland 0
Ah, just what the doctor ordered for the previously struggling NY Jets. Unless you’re the Eagles, in which case you go to Oakland after a bye week and get beaten by 4 points against a team whose quarterback is so bad that there are entire movements out there dedicated to attempting to figure out just how bad he really is on an overall scale of bad. That’s more interesting than anything else about the 2009 Oakland season – trying to place into proper context just how inefficient JaMarcus Russell is at playing quarterback. And the Jets? The AFC East could be a tight race, let’s put it that way. When Rex Ryan and company go to New England later this year though, it probably won’t play out the way it did at the Meadowlands earlier this year for the Jets.

Dallas 37, Atlanta 21
I love it when two dome teams play each other. It’s great to be able to put on a football game and have no idea what time of year it is by watching what’s happening on screen. I cannot figure out the Cowboys. It’s virtually impossible to tell how good they really are. I kind of feel the same way about the Eagles. I do know that neither team has beaten anybody that strong yet though, so the jury is still out on that. Receiver Miles Austin should be inserted into the starting lineup though, especially since I picked him up off the waiver wire in my fantasy football league 3 weeks ago and he’s pretty much been gold ever since. The Falcons aren’t getting much talk, but sleeping on them would be a mistake. They’ll sneak in as that 5 or 6 seed and win a first-round game, I feel like. They could be that team, as long as they don’t have to play in frigid conditions or something.

Cincinnati 45, Chicago 10
I’ve said it about Jay Cutler before, and I’ll say it again – he will murder you, Bears fans. I have no reason or evidence to believe anything to the contrary. He is not a ‘team’ guy, he is a ‘me’ guy. The way he came off with the whole Denver-to-Chicago thing said a lot about him, and what it said was ‘I’m not being coddled enough here, so I’ll go somewhere else for awhile until I’m not coddled enough there either.’ And yet at 3-3, the Bears are only in third place in their division. Meanwhile, the Bengals, much like the Cowboys and Eagles, are quite the enigma. Tied with the Steelers for first place in the AFC North? Sporting a 5-2 record? Wins this year over Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Baltimore? Have they forgotten that they’re the Bengals? Did they sell their soul to evil incarnate while filming Hard Knocks or something? Somebody please explain in great detail. I await thee.

New Orleans 46, Miami 34
Legitimately thrilling game all-around. Usually I prefer hard-hitting defensive struggles to be honest about it, but this game had everything. The Dolphins’ wildcat stuff was actually working, and the Saints looked completely out of whack for the first half in this one. Second half, whole different story. Quite the comeback on the road for Drew Brees and the Saints. The whole ‘lack-of-defense’ thing resurfaced there for awhile, but Miami has been doing this to pretty much everybody they play, win or lose. What the hell, the Saints are a good story, let it ride. Right now, they’re the class of the NFC. They’ve got Atlanta coming to town this weekend for a Monday Night game. This has ‘redemption’ written all over it, even though the Saints won Sunday. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the scoreboard throw out an overworked middle finger to New Orleans’ offense by the time this one’s over.

Arizona 24, NY Giants 17
So yeah, this was probably the biggest upset of the weekend right? I mean, it’s not a shameful loss for the Giants or anything. Anyone who follows the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE knows that the ’Cards have plenty of weapons. But weren’t the Giants just supposed to outmuscle them and beat them to a pulp? Isn’t that what they do? Oh wait, I forgot, Arizona is actually what analysts like to call a ‘physical’ football team. Carolina can tell you that ever since last year’s playoff loss to the ’Cards in Charlotte. I think Jake Delhomme just threw another interception in that game as I type this. Anyway, no team wins every game it’s supposed to, we all know that by now. The Giants will be fine, for all you ‘jump-the-gunners’ out there. They’re still probably going to win the NFC East, and they are still probably going to be playing in the NFC Championship game, most likely against the Saints. I’d put the Vikings possibly in that mix, but please remember that Brett Favre is involved in the equation.

Philadelphia 27, Washington 17
Yeah, this game was exactly like that easy rebound after a tough break-up (the break-up being the Eagles’ unforgiveable 13-9 loss at Oakland the week prior). Mike Tirico summed it up best last night when the ‘Skins mishandled the snap on 4th down near the Eagles’ goal line late during the fourth quarter and botched the play, saying simply, “And that … summarizes the Washington Redskins.” I’d feel bad for them, but they are in the same division as the Eagles, so I cannot do that. Meanwhile, Michael Vick continues to be a non-factor, Brian Westbrook got injured last night, Andy Reid still stares blankly on the sidelines most of the time, and every now and then Donovan McNabb will fire off a lightning-quick TD pass to DeSean Jackson, who actually has a lot of promise to eventually be a top tier wide receiver in this league. How do I feel about the Eagles’ playoff chances? About as uncertain as I feel with regard to the Phillies’ chances in the World Series against the Yankees.

More on that later, probably after Game 1, which I might be lucky enough to attend here in New York if all goes well. Like a true Phillies fan, I’ll be packing my batteries (just kidding – jeez!).

I'm nonplussed (is that the right word?)

Unfortunately, I've neglected to drop some word nuggets over the past week, and oh so many notable events (mainly of the sports variety) have taken place. Frankly, I blame that wretched aspect of everyday life that we all like to call a 'job.' Or is it pronounced 'yob' - as if the 'J' were silent? I'm not sure. But ... yes folks, work has been treating me as though it is Pedro Martinez circa 2003 and I am a hard-charging Don Zimmer during that infamous Yankees-Sox basebrawl. In other words, I was plowed into the ground.

Speaking of which, does the decrease in steroid use amongst baseball players create for fewer bench-clearing brouhahas? I feel like it does. Artificial testosterone can only lead to more confrontations, right? Of course, we all know baseball players are completely clean now, no questions asked. Yeah, sure. That, and, I had no doubts the Phillies would make it back to the World Series this year.

Actually, let's start with that. I've previously written in this space that the lovable Fightin' Phils' ineptitude would only eventually result in them frustrating their fans yet again and failing to live up to expectations. But when guys like Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Howard and Jayson Werth talk about how the organization, fans and even the city of Philadelphia has literally transformed into a whole new way of thinking, it's hard to argue with that. Ask Boston fans. They can tell you some things about the past five-plus years. On the other side of that coin, ask Yankee fans. They can tell you some things about the past nine years.

Winning and optimism can apparently be infectious, and at least the Phillies' success helps take some pressure off of the usually downtrodden, angry Philadelphia sports fan base. Hell, the Eagles maniacs even seem to mind a little bit less about having the same McNabb-Andy Reid complaints, having Michael 'Ronnie Mexico' Vick on their team (he hasn't done jack this season, by the way), and the fact that this team is probably, quite frankly, overrated. That Oakland loss was absolutely gut-punch level bad.

But the Phillies ... ever since the beginning of the 2008 postseason, it's like they've bottled some magic formula. They can do little wrong. Timely hits, steely-nerve pitching, the ability to get out of jams and successfully complete rallies and comebacks. These are not the Phillies I've known and shaken my head at for the better part of the last 20-plus years.

And now, the Phillies will no doubt face their biggest postseason challenge to date. NY Yankees-Phillies will be a fun series - the losingest franchise vs. the winningest franchise. Two northeast signature baseball clubs within a two-and-a-half-hour jaunt up and down I-95. Dedicated, rabid fan bases. One that will impress you with their knowledge, love and respect for their team and the game, and another that will show you about 20 different ways to maim another human being with your fists alone and nothing else.

It's tempting to think the Yankees can't be stopped, especially the 2009 edition, but don't try to apply logic to anything involving the current Philadelphia Phillies. They'll probably continue to do things they shouldn't, realistically, and yet it's difficult to say what that means exactly, even now that we've seen them efficiently take out the Colorado Rockies and L.A. Dodgers to become the first NL team to reach the World Series two years in a row since Atlanta in 1991-92.

Carlos Ruiz will continue to gun down base stealers. Jayson Werth will continue to hit clutch home runs. Brad Lidge will continue to thrive under pressure in the postseason after having a 2009 regular season that was vastly inferior to his 2008 performance (to say the least). Shane Victorino will continue to get on base however he damn well can and fly around the chalk like a frigging mad man. And Charlie Manuel will probably continue to look like he barely knows what's happening. But don't let that fool you.

All this may or may not continue to happen. And the Yankees may or may not wipe them off the baseball map in the blink of an eye.

That's why we watch.

----------

So there's a lot of stuff I'm thinking about. In order to avoid a Dickensian-length entry (aw hell, that'll never happen), I'm just going to lay it all out there bullet-point style. Try to stay with me. If there's some sort of anti-Ambien drug within reach, or if you have any of that 5-hour energy stuff laying around, I'd suggest you go for it.

* Entertainment - I'll try to be quick about this. Curb Your Enthusiasm has been hit-or-miss for me this season, but unfortunately, mostly miss. Anything involving the Seinfeld cast mates has been 'gold, Jerry!' (as Banya would say), and same goes for Leon and Jeff/Susie. But almost everything else has been hard to watch, and largely unfunny. There are only so many different ways Larry David can come up with to be a complete asshole to everyone around him before it starts to feel contrived and seem as though it's a matter of feeding the machine and putting product out. Hopefully the final 4 episodes go out with more of a bang than a fizzle, but I won't be distraught if the show doesn't return after this season.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia was classic this past Thursday, and ties in nicely with the whole current 'Phillies Make the World Series' dynamic. Even if they hadn't made it this year though, the episode works because they found a way to make the 2008 WS appearance tie into a current episode. The best aspects of it was the mockery of Philly's rough-and-tumble fan base, and perhaps funniest of all, Charlie Kelly's Green man vibing with (and eventually fighting with) the Philly Fanatic. Consistently great show.

Everything else I watch routinely (South Park, The Office, 30 Rock, Mad Men) was decent, pretty much what you'd expect, but nothing so noteworthy that it's sticking in my brain at the moment.

Best of all was the movie 'Black Dynamite', which is undoubtedly worth seeing even if you'll have a tough time finding a theater near you that's currently showing it (and you probably will). It's a riotous send-up of 1970s blaxploitation genre films, and it's so jokey that you barely have time to laugh at everything. And at 90 minutes, it doesn't really reach the point where it's just dragging on (unless you're just not into the subject matter at all). If you can appreciate the ridiculous stereotypes of movies from that genre though (big hair, seemingly intentional bad acting, ridiculous clothing and a healthy disco/porno score), then you will appreciate this flick.

* In the world of Division-I college football, we don't have anything that earth-shatteringly different than what was happening last week at this time. Florida, Alabama and Texas are still Nos. 1-3, respectively, in the BCS Standings. Positions 4-8 are rounded out by Iowa, USC, TCU, Boise State and Cincinnati. If we had an 8-team playoff beginning right now, we'd see a first round of games that looks like this: Florida/Cincy, 'Bama/Boise St., Texas/TCU, Iowa/USC (the last of which would be a classic Rose Bowl type matchup). Keep dreaming though. Only polls and a bunch of dudes in suits will decide who is to play for a championship. Let's hope it works out in such a way that we don't have Skip Bayless shouting so loud that his forehead vein looks as though it's about to implode through your HD screen. Can we just get a playoff system that still makes an assload of money but also allows us to retain the current bowl system structure to at least some degree? Is this really that impossible? Do you mean to tell me that it's 2009, and that we have things like 24-hour fast food, Netflix, Hulu, instant coffee and a variety of other such wonders of life, but we still lack the ability to determine a Division-I college football champion each year in a completely controversy-free fashion? Here's a clue - the SEC and the Big 12 are the best conferences, so weigh their games slightly more heavily than conferences like the Big East and the WAC. Use common sense (strength of opponents, number of losses, who they've come against, when did the losses occur) and pick the 6 or 8 teams that make the most sense (doing first-round byes for the 1 and 2 seeds if you go with 6). Please, get this done. There are enough problems in the world for us to continue pretending that we can't figure out an efficient way to do this.

* Best TV crime drama of the almost-over decade? This has been an ongoing debate for some time now, and it's hard to cover this in just a few sentences - but here's a try. The Wire vs. Sopranos - for my money, it's The Wire every time. Yes, I'm more personally interested in the subject matter of The Wire (inner city poverty, urban decay, how politics and education are impacted by such harsh realities, etc.), but there seems to be a more broad world that's being explored in The Wire. We've always been obsessed with the mafia in our society, and the idea that family bonds, especially within the context of a real crime family, are fascinating in and of themselves. This is not without merit. But there's something so all-encompassing about how The Wire is constructed that it's difficult to imagine any work of art that takes into account a larger variety of walks of life. Whether you're a degenerate, a law enforcer of some kind, a teacher, a corporate drone, or a regular working person balancing work and family, The Wire probably has something in which you can invest emotionally. What's hard for me to get past with the Sopranos is the fact that I'm too detached from that world to know how true it rings. But all I have to do is watch a newscast to know that The Wire brings the truth. If you haven't, just do so. Trust me. The Sopranos is like the prom queen that's a hit in school but doesn't quite know what to do when she gets out and doesn't have a plan (the 'fade-to-black' ending). The Wire is like the cute, smart chick with glasses that has a ton of substance but doesn't have 20 guys asking her out every week (The Wire's low ratings but critical acclaim). You know damn well that 10 times out of 10, the latter leaves a more powerful, lasting impression with people than the former, despite what things seem like at the start.

* NBA regular season is about to start. Hang onto your hats. A lot of offseason activity, but don't expect that the top of the league will look much different than last year (i.e. Lakers, Cavs, Magic, Spurs and Celtics will pretty much be on top). Shaq may be a Cavalier, but I still don't see Cleveland being the best title contender. His best years are clearly behind him, and LeBron is still surrounded by a lot of players that have that glossy sheen and a lot of ability, but still don't feel like a championship team. When your starting center moves like a walking tree and one of your most visible non-LeBron players gets pulled over on his motorcycle with a cache of guns in his guitar case, you might have some problems with the coming season. Oh and Lakers fans who think your 2009-10 title run is in the bag because you traded Trevor Ariza for Ron Artest, let's talk again in about 7-8 months. This will not go down well for the Lakers. Lots of mileage on Kobe, and plus he finally got the 'can't-win-a-title-without-a-Shaq-Number-two' monkey off his back. If his intensity drops even 5-7 percent, that's a significant blow to L.A.'s title chances. It's way too early to call this, but I wouldn't be shocked to see Spurs-Celtics in the finals. How did the Celtics get any worse? They didn't. If they stay healthy, and if offseason addition Rasheed Wallace brings only the best aspects of Rasheed to the table, then the sky is the limit.

Yankees-Phillies Game One is Wednesday. This series frightens the hell out of me. I don't know what to expect. It could go 7 games or be a sweep in either direction. I literally have no expectations. I'm just going to try to enjoy the ride. And by enjoy, I mean doing almost everything humanly possible to distract myself while these games are on. Until then, keep rocking some 'Salt-n-Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine,' with the 'red-and-black lumberjack, and the hat to match.'

Try not to get so 'upset'

A lot of ranked teams falling in Division I college football this weekend, and a few others that almost fell, including Florida and Texas. Also, the first BCS standings for the 2009 season were officially released today.

http://espn.go.com/college-football/rankings

We all know that it's the BCS Standings that truly matter, at least in terms of determining the national title game and the major BCS bowls.

It never ceases to amaze me how comical Division I college football can be. If everything shakes out okay and there's no controversy, we all get the matchup that we expect for the national title game, end of story. But if we get a trio of top 3 unbeatens, or every major team entering the bowl season with a loss, then the only way to reconcile that is pick two of the three teams and leave the third one on the outside looking in. Justifications can always be made for the choices either way, but the only real way to settle such a conundrum would be to have a playoff. Don't expect to see it anytime soon if you're one of the fans who wants it.

Take last year as an example: Oklahoma loses in the Big 12 title game but still gets to play Florida for the national championship. Texas won that Big 12 title game, and only lost once about midway through the regular season to a highly-rated Texas Tech team. So much for slipping up just once and then rebuilding your profile by winning the rest of your games. Usually that formula works in D-I college football. But then, it's really just up to a bunch of old privileged men when you get right down to it anyway. They're like an elite group of decision-makers, a special club that gets to make these choices but still be nameless and faceless to the general college football viewing public.

I personally would love it if Florida, Alabama and Texas all lose late in the season and we get undefeated Boise State (No. 4 in the BCS) vs. CIncinnati (No. 5) for the championship. Don't count on that either though.

Here's a quick rundown of what happened with the top 8 teams in the BCS Standings this past weekend, and what might be in store for the rest of the season for each of them.

No. 1 Florida - beat unranked Arkansas 23-20 on Caleb Sturgis' 27-yard field goal with 9 seconds remaining. Close call for the Gators. They trailed 10-3 at halftime and seriously looked like they wouldn't make it out of this one alive. The victory most likely saved Florida's national championship hopes. The only top 25 team left on the schedule is No. 23 South Carolina. But don't think for a second the Gators couldn't slip up against Mississippi State (next weekend) or Georgia (Halloween), or hell, even Florida State (Gators' regular-season finale on Nov. 28th). Not a whole lot of rough ones left though. It would be surprising not to find Tim Tebow and crew back in the SEC title game.

No. 2 Alabama - beat South Carolina (No. 22 at the time) 20-6. The Crimson Tide don't make a lot of noise about it, but they just keep convincingly winning ball games with that snake oil salesman of a head coach of theirs. Oh come on, I'm just kidding. Ask anybody in Baton Rouge, Nick Saban is a saint! Much like Dorothy Mantooth. Look, we're headed for Florida vs. 'Bama in the SEC title game, as usual. Oh, yeah, so who's left on the schedule for the Tide? Let's see. The only real threat is LSU. Sure, Tennessee (next weekend), Miss State (Nov. 14) and Auburn (Nov. 27) can all be feisty, but assuming no egregious slip-ups going forward, Tide should continue to roll.

No. 3 Texas - beat Oklahoma (No. 20 at the time) 16-13. Doesn't get any bigger than this Big 12 rivalry at the neutral field Texas State Fair in Dallas each year. 2008 Heisman Trophy winning QB Sam Bradford made his return for the Sooners in this one, but was promptly knocked out in the first half after taking a vicious Longhorn hit. Bring back Landry Jones and the crazy 'stache. Honestly, this was pretty ugly to watch, and UT has made something of a habit out of making winning look painful. Oh and the Longhorns have a slightly tougher road to their conference title game than do Florida and 'Bama --- Missouri, Oklahoma State, Kansas and Texas A&M all wait in the wings. Gonna be tough to come out of all that without a loss.

No. 4 Boise State - beat unranked Tulsa 28-21. Tough road game here for the Broncos, but they pulled it out. I would make a bunch of jokes here about the fact that Boise State is No. 4 in the BCS Standings, but that's not nice. They deserve to be here. No, really. Oh wait, what's that you ask? Who is left on their schedule? Try this run of teams on for size: Hawaii, San Jose St., Louisiana Tech, Idaho, Utah State, Nevada and New Mexico State. Good God, how will they do it?!

No. 5 Cincinnati - beat South Florida (No. 21 at the time) 34-17. Yeah yeah, so the Big East isn't exactly the SEC or the Big 12 either, but it's still a cut above Boise State's schedule. The Bearcats have opened a lot of eyes this season, but they'd still have to catch some lightning in a bottle to reach the title game. West Virginia and Pitt are the toughest remaining teams in their way.

No. 6 Iowa - beat unranked Wisconsin 20-10. The Big 10 officially belongs to the Hawkeyes. Wow. Not Penn State, not Michigan, not Ohio State. But Kirk Ferentz' Hawkeyes. Fascinating. Good story. Iowa is even winning these close ones, as they did in the hostile confines of Camp Randall at the U of Wisconsin. I would say that it's smooth sailing for the Hawkeyes, who are in the Top 10 for the first time since '02, but Iowa has to travel to the Horseshoe to take on Ohio State on Nov. 14. Stay tuned, this is one of the more surprising and interesting sub-plots of the '09 season.

No. 7 USC - beat Notre Dame (ranked No. 25 at the time) 34-27. This is always a classic matchup, no matter what ranking either of these teams is carrying around. But the Trojans aren't hearing the talk that they're out of the picture just yet. Their only loss is to an unranked-but-much-improved-from-last-year Washington team, 13-10. And winning more games in the quietly challenging Pac 10 will help them climb back up the ladder. Remaining teams? Oregon and Arizona are both ranked, and the crosstown-rivalry UCLA game is never a walk through the park. If the Trojans can win out, they'll have earned it.

No. 8 TCU - beat unranked Colorado State 44-6. Ahh, the Mountain West Conference. Laugh if you want to, but the Horned Frogs mean business. Hey, at least they have two ranked opponents left, including No. 16 BYU and No. 19 Utah. The BYU game this Saturday is actually a key contest for both teams. A loss for TCU can make it hard for the Frogs to get a BCS Bowl bid, but can also propel BYU back into the limelight.

Playoff Baseball

A few words about the 2009 Major Baseball League playoffs.

*   Yankees lead the Angels 2-0 going back to Anaheim for Games 3 and 4 (and game 5 if the Angels are lucky), and if there's ever been a 'team of destiny', it would be hard to argue that the '09 Bronx Bombers are it. What's most impressive is perhaps that the Yanks are winning these nail-biters as well as the more lopsided decisions (see Game 2 in the ALDS against Minnesota, and Game 2 against the Angels Saturday night, a 13-inning, five-hour marathon).

     Furthermore, A-Rod is no longer clumsy, bumbling and failing to produce in October. I'm almost not sure that it's even still him out there. Somebody may have replaced him with an A-Rod lookalike who's too dumb to feel the pressure. But seriously, it's nice for once to see A-Rod just performing and not having his every second micro-dissected by the fans and New York media. There's so many personalities and household names on this Yankee team that nobody cares about killing Alex anymore.

     It seemed like a foregone conclusion that this was going to be a tight series, and now it's not even a given that the Angels will win a game. Going from the arctic October New York weather to sunny Anaheim will be a picnic for both teams no doubt, and the Angels will be in more comfortable confines, but it's almost like the pressure is off for the Yanks at this point. They can get swept out there and still come back to NY knowing they're not finished. That kind of loosey-goosey dynamic can be dangerous to have to overcome. Anything is possible, but I'm thinking just put New York in the World Series. Pencil them in. You can erase pencil anyway.

*   The NLCS is basically the opposite of the ALCS, which is to say, there's no telling what in the name of sweet Moses is going to happen. The Phillies showed grit and gutsiness in holding off the 'not-going-away' L.A. Dodgers in Game 1, hanging on for an 8-6 win. Then in Game 2, the Phils collapsed, highlighted by Chase Utley's throwing error late in the game, as the Dodgers hung on for the 2-1 victory.

    I can't foresee any scenario in which all the rest of the games in this series don't unfold this way. I literally feel like you need a surface distraction going on when watching your team in a playoff baseball series. Tension mounts with each pitch, knowing that it's truly not over until the last pitch. Every play can bring either unbridled joy and excitement, or crushing defeat and sadness. It's just not right. There's no clock to make you feel better about having a big lead, and there are few situations where you can feel good about how it's going to turn out, unless you're up by about 8 or 9 runs (even then nothing is guaranteed).

    Every now and then, your team gets lucky with a series where it's clear that the opposition is just overmatched and needs an uncanny combination of luck and circumstance to come out on top. But with this series, there's no reason why the Phillies can't go down in a ball of flames. It's good times, all around. A cold, rainy Citizen's Bank Park will be the site of Games 3-5 (or at least it will be cold and rainy for tonight's Game 3). Cliff Lee will take the mound against Hiroki Kuroda. And I'll be channel-flipping and checking my fantasy football live scoring updates about 20 times a minute so that I don't have to watch every agonizing second.

Oh and for the record, I think we're headed for a Yanks-Dodgers World Series. I hate to sound like I'm not behind my team, but one World Series title doesn't erase all the ineptitude for which the Phillies are so belovedly (or NOT belovedly) known. I'm not sure if 'belovedly' is even a word by the way, but you get the idea.

NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!

Nothing like getting right to the point, agreed?

No need to get fancy, you know the drill by now. Drink it in, rich and compelling, like Ron Burgundy on a fine summer's day in Saint Diago, the finest city in the world.

Cleveland 6, Buffalo 3

So the Browns toss Braylon Edwards out of the mix and then win a game? What about T.O. and Lee Evans? Two of the more prolific receivers of this era can't get open against the Browns' defense? Is Buffalo really this bad? I just don't understand what happened here. I'd try harder to figure it out, but something tells me it just won't matter.

Dallas 26, Kansas City 20 (OT)

Dallas on the road, without two of its top offensive weapons (Roy Williams and Felix Jones) plus an unpredictable Chiefs team equals one crazy afternoon. Reserve Cowboys receiver Miles Austin went off on that KC defense, snagging 2 TD passes and finishing with 250 yards. Good thing I picked him up off the waiver wire last weekend on my fantasy team! I'd say Dallas has a lot of work to do, considering they only won this game by 6 and in overtime. But it was on the road, KC was (still is) winless and starving for a W, and two big offensive guns for the Cowboys were out of commission. I'd still not list them amongst the top 5 NFC teams right now though (Giants, Saints, Vikings, 49ers, Eagles, for the record).

Minnesota 38, St. Louis 10

(Laughing). Is there anything about this score that even needs to be said? One of the best teams in the NFC beats one of the worst teams in the NFC by 28 points. Try to take this all in, if you can. The only question about the NFC North is exactly how many more weeks will it take for the Vikes to clinch it. Wait, what's that sound? Do I hear some contentious Chicago Bears fans? Maybe I do!

NY Giants 44, Oakland 7

Hey, at least Oakland got on the scoreboard. And at least we know the Giants weren't looking ahead to this Sunday's battle-of-unbeatens showdown at the Super Dome against New Orleans. By the way, can we arrange a 4-way competition between the Raiders, Chiefs, Rams and Tampa Bay for worst team of the 2009 season? This could be a thrilling race.

Philadelphia 33, Tampa Bay 14

I had my doubts about the Eagles over the first couple of weeks. You know, overinflated expectations, the Vick distractions, no more Jim Johnson, McNabb getting older, etc. But they seem to be clicking at this point. Tampa Bay, however, is the opposite of 'clicking.' If clicking is good, the Bucs aren't making a sound. Meanwhile, I'm thinking it will be the Eagles, and not the Cowboys, that pushes the Giants in the race for the NFC East crown.

Pittsburgh 28, Detroit 20

The Steelers almost threw this one away, clinging onto that slim eight-point lead through the last several minutes of the game. Conversely, the Lions can take comfort in knowing that they are far from the worst team in the league this year, as they were in '08. Speaking of which, the AFC North is suddenly more interesting. Laugh if you want to, but the Bengals might be the best team in the division right now.

Cincinnati 17, Baltimore 14

As mentioned, don't plan on handing this division to anybody just yet, but Cincinnati (4-1) is making a strong case for sleeper surprise of the '09 season. From top to bottom, the AFC North might be one of the toughest divisions in the league, even considering how bad the Browns are. Also, don't think that the Ravens won't come out ready to kill next weekend. But it doesn't get any easier for them either, as they hit the road to play the Vikings in Minnesota.

Carolina 20, Washington 17

If you're a fan of the Redskins, it's probably a little difficult not to feel like you're an at-wits-end parent and they're the kid that keeps letting you down and spending all your money despite promises to improve, drum up some ambition, get out of the house and get their act together. The 'Skins lost to Detroit two weeks ago, just barely beat Tampa Bay last weekend and lost by a field goal to a down-on-their-luck Carolina team Sunday. And this is all before they hit the rough NFC East part of their schedule. Yikes. Gonna be a long 2009 season for Washington. By the way, is there a worse overall sports city than D.C. right now? The only playoff team in the nation's capital is the NHL's Senators. Yeah, that's right, there's a professional hockey team in Washington D.C. I was surprised too!

Atlanta 45, San Francisco 10

It was between this game and the Cleveland-Buffalo game as to 'most surprising result of the weekend' for me. I'm still sold on the Niners, but for them to lose, at home no less, and by this much, is a bit of a head scratcher. Atlanta is quietly capable, but the NFC South is the Saints' to lose, and there are too many superior teams in the other divisions to consider the Falcons a playoff threat (at least right now).

Seattle 41, Jacksonville 0

Okay, I was wrong. This makes the least sense of all the games from this past weekend. Whatever. Neither of these teams is going anywhere anyway. Maybe the return of Hasselbeck was just the shot in the arm the Seahawks needed. And if I had a nickel for every time I've ever typed that sentence, I'd have exactly 5-10 cents.

Arizona 28, Houston 21

I really kind of just pity Houston at this point. Sure, the Texans are feisty, but they just can't seem to win these kinds of games. Arizona (2-2) wants to prove that last year's Super Bowl appearance wasn't a fluke, but there's a lot of work to do in this year's loaded NFC field. As long as Kurt Warner keeps drinking his prune juice and doesn't misplace his bifocals, it should be just fine for the Cards.

Denver 20, New England 17 (OT)

These Broncos are officially a football team. Denver and Cincinnati looking like two of the best AFC Teams right now. It's like 1989 all over again! Can we get an Ickey Shuffle please? But seriously, Josh McDaniels has these guys playing some damn good football. The Pats are never going to be easy to beat, but it's always fun to watch them lose for some reason.

Indianapolis 31, Tennessee 9

Don't know what happened to the Titans between last year and this one, but that is NOT the same team. Indy, however, continues to do what it always does. As I've said before, they're on cruise control at this point. Colts have a bye week coming up, followed by a road trip to St. Louis to play the god-awful Rams. Opening Vegas line on that one should be somewhere in the neighborhood of about 45-and-a-half.

Miami 31, NY Jets 27

Definitely one of the best games of the weekend. Miami really deserved this win too. These two teams were just beating the crap out of each other and going full speed ahead for four full quarters. Really felt like a playoff game. The 'Phins are probably the best 2-3 team out there right now. Love the crazy Wildcat plays they ran too. Every offensive snap was like a choose-your-own-adventure book (for those old enough to remember those relics). Jets played tough too, but Miami had more gas in the tank at the end. And it's nice to see Braylon Edwards playing for a team where he can utilize his actual talents - that's a good pickup for the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets! Also, Rex Ryan and crew benefit slightly from the fact that New England also lost, which doesn't change the dynamic of the AFC East standings all that much right now.

You Can't Script October!

And FOX can't come up with a new slogan for the major baseball league playoffs each year!

That's okay. I might seriously watch the ALCS and the World Series this year with the mute button on and some old school hip hop blaring out of my portable i-pod dock. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are generally intolerable even for short periods of time. Three-and-a-half hours at a clip? My God. I'd rather listen to Krusty the Clown and Homer Simpson do play by play and color commentary in the baseball playoffs. Hey wait a minute ... is this really a terrible idea? What's the downside? That you'd be laughing your ass off every five minutes?

"It must be a homer, Simpson, because the pitcher's saying 'DOH!' "

Okay, thanks for indulging me.

Kiddies, the ALCS and NLCS are set. I would have fired up a lightning-fast entry last night considering that the Phillies squeezed past the Rockies in the NL Divisional Series with an extremely uncomfortable 5-4 win in Game 4, but I could barely keep my eyes open through the last out thanks to the fact that Game 3 didn't end until after 2 a.m. East Coast time the night before (well ... technically, the 'morning of.'). Combine that with the fact that I had to drag my sorry ass into work on Monday, Columbus Day mind you, when most of the working world was chilling out at home, and that I was feeling like someone was trying to pull my eyelids down every other 10 minutes, and you can probably understand why I was cursing any and everything having to do with the fact that a frigging playoff game can't end at a reasonable hour.

Okay, back to the lecture at hand (as Snoop Dogg might say).

We've got Yankees-Angels and Phillies-Dodgers. No matter what happens, we'll get a fairly intriguing World Series. Predictions seem insane in this day and age, so I won't even try. I mean, consider that in this decade alone, we've had the following:

* Two teams win the World Series for the first time since the 19-teens (Boston, Chi Sox)

* An extremely mediocre regular season team defy the odds in the playoffs and win the whole she-bang (Sl. Louis in '06);

* A from-almost-nowhere-to-the-World-Series experience (Tampa Bay making it last year after expectedly sucking the year before, and pretty much every other year before that one);

* The usually hopelessly inept Phillies winning their first world championship in 28 years, and only second overall, removing at least a little bit of the sting of being the statistically losing-est franchise in all of professional sports;

* And maybe last but definitely not least, we witnessed a team with a 3-0 series lead in the ALCS completely evaporate under the pressure and lose that series 4-3, for the first time in best-of-seven baseball playoff history. Oh yeah, and the team that improbably blew that lead? The New York effin' Yankees, only the WINNING-est franchise in all of professional sports (at least as it applies to most number of titles won).

After all that, I'm thinking all bets are off the table. I can believe and foresee anything in this day and age.

Oh and the black mark that steroids has left on the game? Yeah, we're not talking about it as much these days, but don't think for one second it might not still be lingering. Once again, I'll believe anything.

Having said all that, if I had to say what I think is likely to happen, well, okay.

And this is NOT the reverse jinx theory at work here, but I don't think the Phillies have the same swagger they did last year. Brad Lidge of 2009 is not Brad Lidge of 2008, but this team still has some considerable skills at the plate and on defense. If we're going strictly by what happened in the first round, the Dodgers simply looked better, and did so against a stronger opponent (Cardinals) than that which faced the Phillies (Rockies). To examine it that way, and bearing in mind that L.A. has the home field advantage, I'm thinking the Dodgers are going to exact revenge from last year and come out on top this time. I'd love to be wrong, just for the record.

In the AL, well of course everyone is expecting the Bronx Bombers to make it through. They're the fashionable pick. They have all the history on their side, all the tradition, the highest payroll, the most playoff experience, the highest payroll, the most devoted fans, and the highest payroll.

Did I mention that their players make a lot of money? Oh I'm sorry. I tried to get that across, I really did.

Seriously, the Yanks deserve the accolades right now. They genuinely seem to be enjoying the ride, but the Angels really have it cooking right now also. I'm still saying Yanks, but I could easily see that series going 6 or 7 games. I think the Dodgers will get it done in 6 or fewer though.

Get ready for some brutally long playoff games and a whole ton of unattractive HD close-ups of old-manager nose hair and other such atrocities that shouldn't be shown on a 52-inch screen plastered across your living room wall.

Enjoy!