Pretenders and Contenders

The chasm between the good, the bad and the mediocre during this NFL season continues to get wider than Rex Ryan’s underwear. There’s really quite a bit of separation going on. It feels like a doomed marriage. You know, lots of yelling, tons of miscommunication, mishandled balls (alright, enough already, I get it).

But seriously, when has there been an NFL season in recent memory when we’ve had 3 unbeatens 7-8 weeks into the season, and this many still-winless or not-winless-but-still-deplorably-atrocious teams? There are a few exceptions I guess. The Baltimore Ravens are 3-3, but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking there’s no way they could be in the playoffs 10 weeks from now. Also, we all pretty much have written off Arizona and are assuming that last year’s Super Bowl appearance was a fluke, but now they’re 4-2, atop the NFC West (yeah, not so great, I know), but maybe most importantly, they beat the NY Giants at the Meadowlands in a primetime game on a glorious fall night in which weather conditions were no factor whatsoever (we all know Eli can’t throw in the wind).
Anyway, this is why the NFL is so much fun. It’s just one big crapshoot. In fact, if you go to Vegas, do me this favor if you have a choice between putting down most of your play money on craps or a weekend of NFL action - go with craps. I’d be willing to bet that your chances of success will be infinitely greater, as improbable as that may sound.
Without further ado:

Green Bay 31, Cleveland 3
The Pack is quietly putting together a decent season, sitting at 4-2 and in second place right behind the Vikings in the NFC North. The fact that they dismantled Cleveland this badly is about as surprising as hearing that a Kardashian made a sex tape, or that there are a few people out there who feel somewhat strongly about the current health care debate. Speaking of which, thousands of artery-challenged Cheeseheads will be on their feet and going apeshit for when Brett Favre and the Vikings visit Green Bay on Sunday. Yes, the prodigal son will be returning, much to the chagrin of anybody who ever rooted for him in a Packers uniform at any point in their lives. This game might make my head explode, particularly considering that it will be occurring on the same day as Giants-Eagles and Game 4 of the Phillies-Yankees World Series at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia. Strap it up, it’s gonna be messy. By the way, does anyone else just know deep down that Favre is going to rip Green Bay’s hearts out in this game, and eventually the Vikings’ hearts out later in the 2009 season? I trust this guy about as much as LSU fans trust Nick Saban.

San Diego 37, Kansas City 7
Wow, not much I can really say about this one. Completely unsurprising. And for once, San Diego mounted a better-than-pathetic defensive effort – although it was, of course, against the uber-awful, 1-and-6 Kansas City Chiefs. By the way, what the hell has happened to LaDainian Tomlinson exactly? I mean, I know the guy is getting a little older, but, only 71 yards against KC’s defense? Ex-squeeze me? Meanwhile, are the Chargers a possible playoff team? Hey, even if they are, it won’t matter because Norv Turner will take them down in a great big ball of flames in the playoffs.

Indianapolis 42, St. Louis 6
Also entirely expected. How exactly did the Colts end up with such a soft schedule by the way? They’ve got 3 home games in a row coming up, starting with the 49ers, who suddenly aren’t looking as good as everyone thought early on, followed by the Houston Texans who are 4-3, but I’m not ready to drink that Kool Aid just yet, and then finally, after that the Colts will actually be tested when Tom Brady and the Patriots roll into town. Is it any wonder that Peyton Manning is playing as if he’s on switched-on ‘Eff You’ Madden computer mode? He’s plowing through a cotton field while other teams are trying to run through a moving wall of spikes. Eh whatever, they’ll still make the playoffs and are probably a strong choice for a deep playoff run.

Pittsburgh 27, Minnesota 17
Exciting game. The champs are the champs for a reason, but no matter who I talk to, nobody really expects the Steelers can win another Super Bowl this year. First loss for the Vikings, and I guess it proves that, if nothing else, it’s a little tougher for them to win on the road without the comfort zone of the weather-conditions-free dome and the ear-splitting roar of Minnesota’s fans. Still though, it never ceases to amaze me when I watch Favre uncork one of his trademark 50 or 60-yard bombs downfield that looks like it’s been launched on a frozen rope. What the hell is going on with this guy anyway? If NFL QBs’ arms were like people, Favre’s throwing gun would be Peter North. What, and you thought this was family hour?

New England 35, Tampa Bay 7
Damn, how many completely predictable games were there this weekend anyway? All the Patriot doubters jumped the gun too early, didn’t they? Back in first place, 5-2 record. Okay, true, they’ve whipped the likes of Tampa Bay and Tennessee the past two weeks, but sometimes that’s all you need to get the momentum train rolling and start playing with some confidence again. They’ve got a bye this week coming up, and then Miami comes to town. And based on what we saw the Dolphins almost do to the Saints, the Pats will need to be ready for that one. If I were a New England fan, I’d be praying for a 20-degree wind chill and consistently slick wet stuff falling down for four quarters.

Houston 24, San Francisco 21
Now here’s a perfect example of teams that aren’t lock-down contenders, but are also not certainly out of playoff contention either. The Niners’ revitalized defense was one of its strengths earlier on this year, but that seems to have changed of late. Meanwhile, the Texans are going to need to get used to this whole ‘having more wins than losses’ thing. The fact that they are in second place in the AFC South is also sort of funny. I do know one thing – if they do, by some miracle, make the playoffs, they’ll truly have been the 2009 sleeper.

Buffalo 20, Carolina 9
How bad is Carolina that the Bills beat them by 11 points? Sure, 2-4 isn’t as bad as, say, 0-6 or 0-7, but what Carolina does is almost worse in a way. They’re spotty in their ineptness, which is to say that on certain days they actually don’t look horrible, but on other days, such as this one, there is no hope for them whatsoever. Other than that, there’s very little of consequence to even say about this game. Two teams headed for a .500 finish at best (probably worse), and certainly not the playoffs. I bet Buffalo fans are thrilled with the TO signing now!

NY Jets 38, Oakland 0
Ah, just what the doctor ordered for the previously struggling NY Jets. Unless you’re the Eagles, in which case you go to Oakland after a bye week and get beaten by 4 points against a team whose quarterback is so bad that there are entire movements out there dedicated to attempting to figure out just how bad he really is on an overall scale of bad. That’s more interesting than anything else about the 2009 Oakland season – trying to place into proper context just how inefficient JaMarcus Russell is at playing quarterback. And the Jets? The AFC East could be a tight race, let’s put it that way. When Rex Ryan and company go to New England later this year though, it probably won’t play out the way it did at the Meadowlands earlier this year for the Jets.

Dallas 37, Atlanta 21
I love it when two dome teams play each other. It’s great to be able to put on a football game and have no idea what time of year it is by watching what’s happening on screen. I cannot figure out the Cowboys. It’s virtually impossible to tell how good they really are. I kind of feel the same way about the Eagles. I do know that neither team has beaten anybody that strong yet though, so the jury is still out on that. Receiver Miles Austin should be inserted into the starting lineup though, especially since I picked him up off the waiver wire in my fantasy football league 3 weeks ago and he’s pretty much been gold ever since. The Falcons aren’t getting much talk, but sleeping on them would be a mistake. They’ll sneak in as that 5 or 6 seed and win a first-round game, I feel like. They could be that team, as long as they don’t have to play in frigid conditions or something.

Cincinnati 45, Chicago 10
I’ve said it about Jay Cutler before, and I’ll say it again – he will murder you, Bears fans. I have no reason or evidence to believe anything to the contrary. He is not a ‘team’ guy, he is a ‘me’ guy. The way he came off with the whole Denver-to-Chicago thing said a lot about him, and what it said was ‘I’m not being coddled enough here, so I’ll go somewhere else for awhile until I’m not coddled enough there either.’ And yet at 3-3, the Bears are only in third place in their division. Meanwhile, the Bengals, much like the Cowboys and Eagles, are quite the enigma. Tied with the Steelers for first place in the AFC North? Sporting a 5-2 record? Wins this year over Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Baltimore? Have they forgotten that they’re the Bengals? Did they sell their soul to evil incarnate while filming Hard Knocks or something? Somebody please explain in great detail. I await thee.

New Orleans 46, Miami 34
Legitimately thrilling game all-around. Usually I prefer hard-hitting defensive struggles to be honest about it, but this game had everything. The Dolphins’ wildcat stuff was actually working, and the Saints looked completely out of whack for the first half in this one. Second half, whole different story. Quite the comeback on the road for Drew Brees and the Saints. The whole ‘lack-of-defense’ thing resurfaced there for awhile, but Miami has been doing this to pretty much everybody they play, win or lose. What the hell, the Saints are a good story, let it ride. Right now, they’re the class of the NFC. They’ve got Atlanta coming to town this weekend for a Monday Night game. This has ‘redemption’ written all over it, even though the Saints won Sunday. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the scoreboard throw out an overworked middle finger to New Orleans’ offense by the time this one’s over.

Arizona 24, NY Giants 17
So yeah, this was probably the biggest upset of the weekend right? I mean, it’s not a shameful loss for the Giants or anything. Anyone who follows the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE knows that the ’Cards have plenty of weapons. But weren’t the Giants just supposed to outmuscle them and beat them to a pulp? Isn’t that what they do? Oh wait, I forgot, Arizona is actually what analysts like to call a ‘physical’ football team. Carolina can tell you that ever since last year’s playoff loss to the ’Cards in Charlotte. I think Jake Delhomme just threw another interception in that game as I type this. Anyway, no team wins every game it’s supposed to, we all know that by now. The Giants will be fine, for all you ‘jump-the-gunners’ out there. They’re still probably going to win the NFC East, and they are still probably going to be playing in the NFC Championship game, most likely against the Saints. I’d put the Vikings possibly in that mix, but please remember that Brett Favre is involved in the equation.

Philadelphia 27, Washington 17
Yeah, this game was exactly like that easy rebound after a tough break-up (the break-up being the Eagles’ unforgiveable 13-9 loss at Oakland the week prior). Mike Tirico summed it up best last night when the ‘Skins mishandled the snap on 4th down near the Eagles’ goal line late during the fourth quarter and botched the play, saying simply, “And that … summarizes the Washington Redskins.” I’d feel bad for them, but they are in the same division as the Eagles, so I cannot do that. Meanwhile, Michael Vick continues to be a non-factor, Brian Westbrook got injured last night, Andy Reid still stares blankly on the sidelines most of the time, and every now and then Donovan McNabb will fire off a lightning-quick TD pass to DeSean Jackson, who actually has a lot of promise to eventually be a top tier wide receiver in this league. How do I feel about the Eagles’ playoff chances? About as uncertain as I feel with regard to the Phillies’ chances in the World Series against the Yankees.

More on that later, probably after Game 1, which I might be lucky enough to attend here in New York if all goes well. Like a true Phillies fan, I’ll be packing my batteries (just kidding – jeez!).