Wrap it up, B!

A weekend of negotiations with foreign diplomats has left me drained of energy.

And by negotiations with foreign diplomats, i of course am referring to my wife and I having visited my family in Pennsylvania.

I ate some delicious and greasy food, surrounded by animals and freaks (not my family, don't worry), for the Bloomsburg Fair only comes around one week each year (end of September/early October).

Dude, for those that haven't been, trust me when I say the food is some of the best you can shove down your gullet. Sure, it will send your cholesterol into the stratosphere faster than a Brett Favre touchdown pass, but at least you'll enjoy it.

Philadephians will hate me for this statement, yet I care not, when I say that I probably ate the best whipper-snapping cheesesteak in all my days. Real provolone cheese (not liquid yellowy whiz) was fused to the bread, and the meat was seasoned something ridiculous. Top that bad boy off with onions and peppers, and you have a one-way ticket to taste-bud heaven, and artery hell. All kinds of other mouth-watering sloppiness popped up at every turn, including french fries, onion rings, friend potato pancakes, belgian waffle-and-ice cream sandwiches, Hot Italian sausage sandwiches, hot wings, pizza, and deep-fried everything-under-the-sun (oreos, ice cream, even peanut butter and jelly for chrissakes).

Okay, I'm done torturing you with these cruel descriptions. In other news, my angioplasty is scheduled for next week. Info on where to send get-well cards is forthcoming.

So, because my time frame got all out of whack this weekend, I'm going to do my best to give a condensed version of this past weekend's football goodies, before a few quick notes about a few quick items of interest that will change your life forever (or not).

* Curb Your Enthusiasm Sunday was the absolute shiz. The Seinfeld cast is fully re-absorbed into the mix, and it was a consistently funny episode. Larry is so desperate to get Cheryl back that you can almost feel it oozing through the screen. Kind of sad in a way. You get the feeling he needs her back so much because he has less game than Jake Delhomme right now. That longing will lead him to do undoubtedly horrible and hilarious things as the season unfolds. I can't wait to see how many times everyone around Larry verbally removes his head from the rest of his body. After all, that's when the show is the funniest.

* Mad Men was thoroughly entertaining, as usual. Even when not much happens in an episode to move story, it's still engrossing. I guess it's the way the stories are told, the way it's shot, how accurately they seem to capture a capsule in time gone by. I do know one thing - Pete Campbell is as slimy as they come. But at least he always shows remorse. And Betty Draper - wow. If you think you're caught up in a rut in life, just hang out with Bets for a spell. Her boredom and utter disinterest with her life is accentuated upon she and Don's return trip from a glamorous stay in Italy. The episode closes with her giving her daughter some advice about kissing boys (yeah, I don't know how old Sally is, but she's, um, 'advancing' quickly, let's say), followed by her severe apathetic reaction to a sweet piece of jewelry Don had just purchased for her. Oh and there's that matter of her possibly doing the shim-sham with the water reservoir guy. He's making some strong moves to the basket, but Betty's doing her best Dwight Howard impersonation. I think she's weakening with each passing episode. Stay tuned.

* One of my faithful readers (my brother) pointed out a mistake in my first post, about college football's scores the previous weekend. I wrote that Florida returned all 22 starters on both sides of the ball from last year's national championship team. I stupidly forgot that Percy Harvin (and probably 1 or 2 other offensive Gators) departed from that team. This is easy to see now that I watch Harvin, a rookie, dart all over the field during this Packers-Vikings Monday Night Football game. Anyway, what the Gators do return this year is all 11 starters and 11 backups on defense. That was the association with the '22' returners - the two-deep defensive roster. A bit frightening for opposing SEC offenses, no?

* I want to give a quick mention about the fact that the high school football coach at my alma mater won his 300th career game this past Friday night, and he's nowhere near retirement age (as long as he doesn't want to be). Jim Roth took over a floundering Southern Columbia Area High School program in the early 1980s and transformed it into a perennial statewide small-school powerhouse. He has taken his teams to the state championship game 12 out of 13 years between 1994 and 2006, finishing 6-6 in those contests, including five straight titles from 2002-06. He sports a career record of 300 wins, 51 losses, and a few ties. Beyond all that, he's a straight shooter and a standup guy. I want to say congrats to him and the amazing coaching staff that has surrounded him all these years, and to all the current and former players that aided in the accomplishment. I can honestly say it was during those formative years as a manager for the team that forged my fascination with competitive sports on a real level. There's few things like being as close as you can to it all without actually being pummeled on the field.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Well, a bit more re-shuffling in the Top 25, but Nos. 1 and 2 (Florida and Texas, respectively) took the weekend off with a bye. This is especially important for Florida as starting QB Tim Tebow is still recovering from the concussion he suffered against Kentucky. He has not yet been cleared to practice or play, and the Gators have what is quite possibly their biggest test of the season looming large this Saturday night, a primetime showdown at No. 4 LSU. True, the Tigers have been hanging on by the skin of their teeth with their last two wins, but no doubt LSU will be up for this one. Les Miles and crew will especially smell blood if Florida's offense takes the field without Tebow behind center. This should be a classic dog-fight. Can't wait to see what happens.

No. 3 'Bama rolled over Kentucky 38-20, and fourth-ranked LSU fended off pesky Georgia 20-13.

No. 5 Boise State routed UC Davis 34-16, and there's nothing about this sentence that isn't suddenly funny. The Broncos are number five? For serious? UC Davis was a Division II powerhouse not long ago for God's sake.

The only top 10 team that lost was No. 8 Oklahoma falling to No. 17 Miami, which wasn't exactly shocking. By the way, I was watching that game Saturday night with a friend, and we couldn't help chuckle at names like Jacory Harris (the 'Canes QB) and JaMarcus Russell (the Oakland Raiders' quarterback). Can I start calling myself JaJoey T.? Will people think I have a stutter? Anyway, Miami got some nice redemption after their rain-soaked loss at Virginia Tech the weekend prior.

No. 12 Houston was lambasted by unranked UTEP, 58-41. Bye bye darkhorse national title hopes!

Michigan is no longer unbeaten, losing in overtime to in-state and Big 10 rival Michigan State in East Lansing. The Spartans should have put this one away in the fourth quarter, but the Wolverines weren't having it. The frisky Michigan QB, Tate Forcier, threw a pick in the OT that pretty much sealed the deal. MSU took over and eventually kicked the winning field goal. Iowa and Wisconsin are the only Big 10 teams left with overall unbeaten records.

Oh and the Pac 10 was more or less decided with No. 7 USC's 30-3 victory over No. 24 California. Don't look now - the Stanford Cardinal is unbeaten! All one of them! Still not ranked though. Looking at the new rankings, it's pretty much what you'd expect.

http://espn.go.com/college-football/rankings

The Top 10 is a bit, uh ... non-traditional, as you can see. Boise State is No. 6, Cincinnati is No. 8 and TCU is No. 10. At this rate, we'll see Southwest Missouri State against UC-Santa Cruz in a New Year's Day Bowl. Can't wait. Go Banana Slugs!

NFL

Okay, some quick, and I DO mean quick, NFL capsules to take us into the homestretch. Stay with me kiddos. We're not crashing this train just yet.

Chicago 48, Detroit 24

Same old Lions. Don't act surprised. However, 48 points from the Bears is a little offensively-inflated, shall we say. Guess the Lions partied a little too hard after that Redskins win. Don't be fooled, I say. Chicago fans, you're about 2-and-a-half to 3 months away from having your hearts ripped out by your petulant, whiny quarterback.

Cincinnati 23, Cleveland 20 (OT)

Oh the poor Browns already. They're like a horse on its last leg that just needs to be shot and taken out of its misery. Meanwhile, the Bengals might be surprisingly good. I might have to revise my statement from last week that the Cincy Bearcats would possibly beat them. The AFC North is loaded. It still belongs to the Steelers and Ravens though.

Indianapolis 34, Seattle 17

Surprised by this one? Yeah, didn't think so. I think the Colts' schedule might be a little soft. Seattle is a team with no rhythm or identity. Bad stuff for them. Peyton and crew will continue to slice through these games until they hit some real competition.

NY Giants 27, Kansas City 16

Not as close as the score makes it look. Kansas City is just immeasurably bad. How bad? If I had to bet my life on them, I think I would break out my i-pod and start playing 'Dead Presidents' by Jay-Z. The Giants didn't win by like 4 TDs or anything, but they looked efficient and businesslike as usual. Giants QB Eli Manning left the game late with a bruised heel, but will most likely play Sunday against Oakland. Soft-serve portion of NY's schedule as well, apparently.

New England 27, Baltimore 21

Couple of top-tier AFC squads right here. Told you the Pats aren't done. Exciting game. These are a couple of playoff teams, in all likelihood. Would love to see an AFC Playoff rematch with these two. If so, it could go either way, that's for sure.

Washington 16, Tampa Bay 13

This is just sad. Sad that the Redskins barely beat a winless and horrible Tampa team a week after losing to the Lions; sad that Tampa Bay just can't get it together; sad that this game had to be played at all; and sad for anyone who picked the 'Skins to cover the spread. There is no lesson here, friends. Just pick up the pieces and forge onward.

Jacksonville 37, Tennessee 17

This was surprising to me. Maybe Tennessee doesn't have the chops that everyone seemed to think. Conversely, Jacksonville put together a complete effort for once. I guess Jack Del Rio was actually paying attention. Does anyone else think his sideline demeanor though is usually more like ... 'Hmm, what do I feel like eating after the game' as opposed to 'Come on, let's get this first down, let's make this defensive stop!'

Houston 29, Oakland 6

Oakland is another team that's been getting a little too much credit for their 'potential.' A 23-point loss to the Houston frigging Texans equals 'potential-fail.' See www.failblog.org for many hilarious failures in everyday life.

New Orleans 24, NY Jets 10

Here's the matchup that had everyone licking their chops this past weekend. The. Saints. Are. For. Real. Can't make the swiss-cheese defense jokes any more. Scary good team right now. The Jets are still a quality team too. Not easy to win in the Superdome this year though, by any stretch of the imagination. Both of these teams will only continue to get better, also. Possible Super Bowl rematch? Yeah, probably a stretch, but stranger things have happened in the sporting world, to be sure.

Miami 38, Buffalo 10

Oof. This feels like a game that shouldn't have been this one-sided. Buffalo couldn't do jack in this matchup. I see Miami doing this consistently though - laying eggs where they shouldn't and beating the bejesus out of teams that won't earn them much credibility.

San Francisco 35, St. Louis 0

How about those gold-diggin' 49ers, eh? Yeah, they play in an awful division, but they still feel like a quality team to me. I mean, give them the NFC West crown right now, basically. Playoffs are a different ball of wax. Nice success story for the 2009 season, but don't expect them to make it past the second round.

Denver 17, Dallas 10

Out of the remaining unbeatens (Minnesota, NY Giants, Saints, Colts, Denver), the Broncos feel the most like the team that shouldn't be here. But their formula works - smart football, a steady defense and an offense that doesn't force bad plays or hand the ball over to the defense. People will continue to ignore and/or underestimate these guys as the season pushes on, which may be a mistake.

Pittsburgh 38, San Diego 28

Lots of high-flying antics in this one. The Steelers got back on track after that disappointing loss to the Bengals. Watching this game reminded you why Pittsburgh is the defending champs. When they're on their game, still one of the best. San Diego, at 2-2, is still quite good, but that defense has to saddle up if they want to do anything in the long run (allowing an average of 28 points per game).

Minnesota 30, Green Bay 23

Everyone has been waiting for this one, right? Favre against the franchise that made him who he is? He was completely stoic on the field in the postgame interview with Michele Tafoya. He looked like he'd rather be stuck at a NAMBLA convention until Michele loosened him up with an 'almost-40' joke. Well anyway, the Vikings have a good team, there's no question about that. There's also no question that this team is undoubtedly, unequivocally and irrevocably 100 times better with Favre at QB than any of their other existing options. The old man can still fire a goddamn football, that much is true. The NFC Playoffs could be wildly entertaining this year with the likes of the Vikes, Giants, Saints, Niners and whoever else emerges in the NFC East (Eagles, Cowboys, etc.).

Okay, so it wasn't THAT quick. But ... like Simply Red said so many years ago .... If you don't know me by NOOOOWWWW .... you will never ever ever know me ..... then some ooh-ing and stuff.

Til next time, you delicious zealots.