Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

As Jay-Z said on his classic 1996 debut Reasonable Doubt, ya'll know the time like Movado.

Enough with the chit-chat, let's talk about what happened in that there old National Football League this past weekend!

Detroit 19, Washington 14

And we begin with the most notable event of the sports weekend. Sorry Yankee fans - everyone knows, and is not surprised, that you clinched the AL East Division title. In other shocking news, the sun came up this morning. But the Detroit Lions won a football game for the first time since 2007! For the first time in almost 2 years, people in this socio-economically ravaged city had something to celebrate. Good for the city of Detroit. This is about the best thing to happen in the Big D since 8 Mile. Speaking of which, it's been about 5 minutes since Eminem released a new joint about painkillers. Come on Marshall, stop slacking! I'll tell you who else needs to stop slacking - the Redskins. I wouldn't want to be whomever plays them next weekend. Talk about an embarrassing run of upcoming practices. Picture their conditioning coach. "What's that? How many more laps? Riddle me this - how many points did the Detroit *&%^ing Lions score against us?! That's right, now keep running!"

Green Bay 36, St. Louis 17

The Pack is back. We all know fans of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE will be waiting with baited breath for those two Green Bay-Minnesota NFC North Division battles this season. It'll be the flip-flopping gunslinger (Brett Favre) against his old signature franchise. That will be appropriately surreal. Meanwhile, the St. Louis Rams continue to play like dog poop. Actually, I'd spot dog poop 7.5 points against the Rams and put down 20 bucks on it. If nothing else, it would at least be fun to watch.

Minnesota 27, San Francisco 24

This had to be the best game of the day, right? I'm getting behind the Niners this season, that's all there is to it. Strangely, their effectiveness originates from a style of play that is the very antithesis to their hallmark traits (finesse on both sides of the ball, a wide open passing attack and a franchise, Hall-of-Fame receiver in Jerry Rice) during their Super Bowl 80s-and-90s heyday. This time around, they're built on defense and a solid ground game. The Vikings still pulled this one out though, thanks to a jaw-dropping bullet of a TD pass by Favre to Greg Lewis in the VERY back of the end zone with 2 seconds left. That ball looked like it was launched out of a cannon. I hate to be the skeptic - but no 39 year-old man (practically 40) should be capable of that kind of throw. I don't know where we go from here. Maybe Herman Munster will throw Jimmy Rollins out at home plate from right field during the NL Divisional Round playoffs in a couple weeks.

New England 26, Atlanta 10

And you thought the Patriots were done? Really? I heard a good bit of talk about taking Atlanta and the points in this one. Writing the Pats off a bit early, methinks. This isn't to say that Tom Brady (or the defense) is the same as he (they) used to be. But this is still New England.

NY Jets 24, Tennessee 17

Holy Gang Green batman! I know Jets fans, you don't want anyone jinxing you just yet. Fair enough. But that defense - yama hama. It's almost as if Rex Ryan's football IQ increases with each bite of food. Meanwhile, Tennessee has to be the best damn 0-3 team in the league. Some tough losses for them. And in other news you don't hear every day (or ever for that matter) - the Jets are unbeaten and in first place in the AFC East!

Philadelphia 34, Kansas City 14

Speaking of coaches and food, Andy Reid did some rabbit-out-of-the-hat type stuff with Westbrook and McNabb sidelined, and Michael Vick rendered highly ineffective by the fact that he still pretty much sucks when it comes to going head-to-head with a real, live NFL defense. Then again, this WAS Kansas City - and the Chiefs are pretty putrid thus far. Are the Eagles a real contender in the NFC? Still a bit early to tell. I see them beating the teams that they should, but not the teams that they shouldn't. Super Bowl? Who knows. But one thing is clear - the Kevin Kolb jokes should at least slow down. Back-to-back 300-plus-yard passing performances isn't exactly a routine occurrence.

NY Giants 24, Tampa Bay 0

I've already devoted more time than I should to this one. By the way, does anybody make winning more boring than the Giants? Seriously. ESPN2's coverage of De La Salle (Calif.) vs. Lakeland, Fla. in the high school game of the week Friday night was more entertaining than this. As you can tell, my Friday nights are typically raging.

Baltimore 34, Cleveland 3

Also not worth discussing. I have Browns WR Braylon Edwards on my fantasy team. My fantasy is that he learns how to catch a football. Hey Braylon, please go to Ebay and type in 'pair of hands.' Whatever comes up, just invest in it. It's bound to be an improvement. And even though the Ravens win primarily with their defense, this is a solid all-around team. I would not be surprised to see Baltimore playing for the Lombardi Trophy next February, and I'm not kidding.

Jacksonville 31, Houston 24

Great game between two teams that nobody really cares about. Every year we hear about how awesome the Jags are going to be, or how Houston has finally gotten it together, but it just doesn't seem to pan out. This division is awful this year. Just hand the AFC South to the Colts right now. Peyton could sleepwalk until November and Indy would still get the division title.

New Orleans 27, Buffalo 7

Is this the year of the Saints? I'd love to see New Orleans' offense against Baltimore's defense. This, I would pay for, without hesitation. Hey Drew Brees, stop already. Take it easy on these mere mortals, will you? You're going to give these other QBs and defenses a complex already. Did somebody turn on Drew's Madden switch before the season started? And the Saints' D isn't even as porous as usual lately. Stay tuned - these boys from the Big Easy mean business in the oh-nine.

Chicago 25, Seattle 19

Oy vey - the Seahawks might literally be better off withOUT Hasselbeck starting. Bears fans - don't expect Jay Cutler to take you to the promised land. Expect him to whine when he doesn't get his way, or show flashes of brilliance every now and again .. but please don't be fooled into thinking you've found your Super Bowl QB. I implore you.

San Diego 23, Miami 13

Watching this game on TV made me remember oh-so-painfully that I'm NOT in San Diego, where it is eternally 70 degrees, sunny and nobody has a care in the world. Easy for the Chargers to be in their comfort zone I guess. Miami is feisty, but I feel like they're going to lose a lot of games like this. Still a few years away. Besides, we all know the AFC East currently belongs to the J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS! Okay, I just wanted an excuse to do the silly Jets chant.

Cincinnati 23, Pittsburgh 20

The defending Super Bowl champs are 1-2. Don't laugh - maybe Hard Knocks is a good luck charm for the Bengals. It wasn't for the Cowboys last year. Honestly, division battles are totally a crap shoot. A team's skill level doesn't even matter. If the Bengals are supposed to beat the Steelers on a given day, the Bengals are going to beat the Steelers. Enjoy it though, Cincy. This isn't happening for you every week (or even every other week for that matter).

Denver 23, Oakland 3

See, I knew Kyle Orton was a winner! Okay, I actually knew no such thing. But the Broncos, as much or more than any other team right now, are definitely a well-meshed unit. In the toilet bowl that is the AFC West, the Broncos are looking like the toilet brush that's going to do the house cleaning. See, and you thought my analogies were only going to go downhill. Don't worry, I'll never let you down, I swear.

Indianapolis 31, Arizona 10

Kurt Warner probably wishes he was working at Pathmark again after this performance. Actually, I take that back. As someone who worked in a Pathmark in north Jersey for a few months many moons ago, I can honestly say that even a sub-par outing at quarterback during a prime-time, nationally-televised game trumps bagging groceries. Hey, come on now, I was a cashier too. Anyway, in the 'completely predictable news' department, the Colts ran their offense with unstoppable precision, and the defense rose to the occasion, shutting down a dangerous Arizona offense on its home turf. I sense a shape-shifting in the NFC West. San Fran anyone?

Alright kiddos, as we know, the NFL is always scintillating. Hope you enjoyed the games.

In other happenings, I'd like to say Mazel Tov to those who observed Yom Kippur today. In a related story, my best friend and I at age 7 (or maybe 8) always saw Yom Kippur on the calendar and thought it was a person. In fact, I often confused Yom Kippur with Yul Brenner. If you're wondering how many Jewish people there are, generally speaking, in the greater coal region area of east central Pennsylvania, let's just say there's, um, quite a lack of said folks. Which makes it all the more amusing to me that I married a Jewish woman not even a full four months ago.

Cheers, until tomorrow when I'm 'back up in your ass with the resurrection' to talk about the Dallas-Carolina Monday night game and Sunday night's new episodes of Mad Men and Curb Your Enthusiasm.