Let the good times ROLL!
Whose idea was it that this holiday should turn the streets of midtown Manhattan into an idiot parade? So just to clarify, we have the REAL parade that happens on Fifth Avenue, with the bagpipes and people actually wanting to celebrate Irish heritage to a certain degree. Then we have said Idiot Parade, which basically occurs on the side streets and much of the rest of regional Manhattan, replete with unoriginal, moronic 18-to-23 year olds wearing every item of clothing in the ugliest shade of deep green ever created.
It's evident that 90 percent of these people don't live in the city, given their obvious cluelessness as it applies to actions in which New York residents simply do not engage - you know, such as wandering around aimlessly like idiots; asking if the grab-and-go deli/sandwich place has a restroom (because they've been drinking since 9 a.m. and need to relieve themselves); screaming in the middle of the street for no apparent reason, other than the fact that it happens to be the one calendar day each year when people can become fall-down drunk and get a free pass on it; Oh wait, did I mention wandering around aimlessly like idiots? Because there is a LOT of that.
Okay, sure, I know what I sound like. Mr. Grumpy Pants over here, shaking his cane at the young uns' because my lifestyle doesn't allow me to, on a Thursday afternoon no less, dress up like I was just vomited out of the Jolly Green Giant with an upturned 40 in my hand. But I'm pretty sure these people would annoy the crap out of me regardless of my age/employment status, and I consider that a good thing.
So as a general rule, unless you ARE one of these slobbering, loud, green idiots, do NOT come to New York City on St. Patrick's Day, because you will want to strangle anything in sight by the end of the day. Or well in advance of said time.
Now with that out of the way, randomness ensues. Enjoy!
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The 2010-11 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament has begun, and I can't remember a season when I've paid as little attention to college hoops as I have this year. I'm just way too into the NBA, which actually has a ton of talent right now, stars with staying power and legitimate identity, and a schedule that allows you to find a thoroughly entertaining game on TV almost any night of the week. The college game is still fun to watch on occasion, but there are very few 'names' this season (experts are predicting one of the weaker NBA draft classes we've seen in a while for June 2011). I didn't even fill out a bracket. It just gets more difficult every year, particularly in seasons like this one where it's wide open, due to lack of said star power.
Also, to turn into Mr. T momentarily (sans mohawk and ebony skin and gold chains and deep voice, of course) I pity the fool who had either Louisville, Penn State or Clemson advancing to the Sweet 16 or beyond in their bracket. This list will grow, of course, as the next two days unfold.
Oh did I mention how much more fun it is to watch the NCAA Tournament when you're not constantly rooting or bracket-checking and can just enjoy the games? Holy World of Difference, Batman.
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The NFL and the Players Union are now officially locked out, which is about what we all expected. Can't figure out how to divide up that annual $9 billion pie. Bit of a shame. So what's happened now? The Players Union has decertified and filed a federal lawsuit against the league alleging antitrust violations, among other allegations. And the players are urging a boycott of the NFL Draft in late April, meaning that teams would select fresh-out-of-college players who won't be there to come out on stage and shake the hands of the owners who just picked them. Oy. Awwwk-ward!
It's all ugly, and I'm sure we all hope it can get resolved sooner rather than later, but things don't generally move at lightning speed in U.S. Federal District Court. Matters will need to be hashed out there before the two sides can resume negotiations and work out the multitude of unresolved issues that still exist between the league and the players.
Get ready to be a college football fan if you aren't one, because I'll be highly surprised if the 2011 NFL Season kicks off when it's currently slated to do so.
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Okay, I know this is kind of old news, but Charlie Effing Sheen. My God. What a national treasure. A quote machine if there ever was one. Is this guy for real? Has anybody figured out yet whether it's a put-on? He's either a genius that hasn't received the proper amount of credit for duping everyone, or we're all just blessed by the gift of his unbridled insanity as it plays out on TV cameras and all over the Inter Webs.
Either way, at the end of the day he's quite goddamn brilliant, because people have never paid as much attention to him as they are now. If you're a celebrity, isn't that all you really want anyway? Who ISN'T going to be all over his next move? Nobody.
When you add in the fact that he's uber-rich and lives with a porn star and a 'dancer' - both of whom are clearly copasthetic with this arrangement - one can certainly make an argument that there are people out there who have it worse right now than Mr. Tiger's Blood.
I still think he's a lunatic, and I'd be surprised if he's totally clean (his last drug test was negative, but word on the street about cocaine is that it's out of your system in 2-3 days ... or, um, so I've heard). But we're all chomping at the bit to see what comes next out of this guy, right? Unless, you know, you're only primarily interested in stuff that's actually important.
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Speaking of unimportant - yet hilarious - stuff, please, and I implore you, track down a video clip of Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino 'performing' at Comedy Central's Roast of Donald Trump, which aired this past Tuesday night. Wow, was he atrocious. Within hours of the broadcast, the internet was ablaze with disparaging reviews (rightfully so) and videographic proof of how unfunny is this greasy, tan knucklehead. To appropriately review the event, I figured I should roast The Situation myself. Here goes! (If you're easily offended, please skip!)
* Suicide bombers watched The Situation at the Trump Roast and said "Damn, I can never hope to be as successful as that guy!" Okay, alright, calm down.
* Hey, Situation, look at this guy. I would say he needs to get his dignity back after that performance, but you can't retrieve what was never there in the first place.
* Situation, is that you or did the Friar's Club invite a Jack-o'-Lantern to the Roast of Donald Trump? Goddamn, when you reach for the spray-tan bottle it screams "Enough guy! I'm not meant for this much use on one person! Take it easy!"
* Yo Situation, is it true that BP took the fall for what was really you doing a headstand in the Gulf of Mexico? Jesus Christ, look at that greasy mop! You could shine up an entire Brooks Brothers' footwear department with one-eighth of what's in your hair right now.
* Situation, I would call you dumb, but then the word 'dumb' would immediately file a slander/defamation lawsuit against me. And probably win.
Alright, I've got a ton of 'em, but you get the idea. Watch the vid clip. You will be cringing in both horror and delight, I promise.
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The original entertainment landscape on TV is a little thin right now, probably at least until Mad Men and Breaking Bad return later this summer, but there's still some decent stuff to check out.
Notably, The Office is about to finish its run with anchor character Michael Scott, played by Steve Carell. I just can't imagine the show without him, even though I want to back-hand him about 50 percent of the time because of the moronic things he says and does. Of course, that's a large part of the charm of his character. It's a great ensemble cast, certainly the show is no one-trick pony. But Carell is the glue that holds it all together. Who becomes the glue when he's gone? Jim? Nah, Jim doesn't feel like a 'glue' guy. A little too smarmy and you get the sense he puts himself above everyone else around him (most of whom are severely flawed in some way). Dwight? No, his character is far too unlikeable, and it wouldn't be believable to suddenly turn him into a bumbling fool with a heart of gold (see 'Carell').
So do they bring someone else in? I've heard all kinds of rumors. John Hodgman (the 'PC' commercial guy; also a Daily Show correspondent). Rhys Darby, a.k.a Murray on Flight of the Conchords. I love him to death, but I don't see him being the right fit. Danny McBride? That's it. Kenny Powers should run 'The Office' as the new Michael Scott. Yes, I know, that wouldn't work either, but Kenny Powers is probably my favorite TV personality right now, fictional or otherwise. Everything he says and does is pure gold.
In related news, Eastbound and Down Season 3 will air later this year on HBO, and it will be the show's final season. I really hope Powers makes it to the majors by the time the final credits roll.
Meanwhile, Parks & Recreation wins the award for 'most improved comedy' since last year at this time. Funny, original, great cast, wonderful chemistry, and it's shaken its reputation as an inferior 'Office' knock-off.
30 Rock is still solid, but it feels like something big needs to happen with the characters. It almost seems like it's just the same zany antics/similarly inane storylines being traded around with different members of the cast. Hoping they shake it up somehow to end this season in the next couple months.
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Finally, as a teaser for a subject of future discussion in this space, I've heard the new Strokes album, Angles, and it is indeed brilliant. New York's Finest is about to drop a triumphant return to form, and I can't wait to see them kick some ass and take some names yet again at Madison Square Garden on April 1st. No hooks, no gimmicks, just great music. Viva la Strokes! The album drops March 22nd for those interested.
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